I run all around, and I

Jump up and down, but no

Matter the distance traveled,

I still feel pinned down.

I could move out of state,

I could even change my name,

I could raise an army against her, but I'm

Pinned to the ground.

The part of me that needs to please,

That part emerges in my dreams,

It yells, it screams, it cries, it teems

With rage-

That sh...

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I'd rather be boring than let my heart soar,

And I'd rather sleep soundly then keep every score,

And I'd rather be smiling then secretly crying

Alone, in the backroom of the basement of my mind.

And I'd rather be silent than endlessly violent,

I'd rather have nothing than more than I can carry,

And I'd rather be peaceful than searching the streets

For a ghost that will va...

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You ran all over and passed out your drug,

You made sure everyone knew who you loved,

I couldn't help but hold on to my cash,

I couldn't part from my personal stash.

You made it everyone else's problem,

You put your nose into everyone's trash,

I wouldn't dare ask for help as I solved them,

No one could access my personal stash.

You got your kicks off of shouting f...

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Body tired.

Brain wired.

Can’t do anything,

Have to do everything,

Guilty for sitting

But wholly unwilling to move-

Stuck in an endless groove. 

Stuck

Stuck

Stuck in a rut.

Working or sleeping or anything’s better than this,

In the abyss.

Kiss

Goodbye to your luck.

Stuck in a rut. 

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Down, down, down in the casket,

Down in the wake of the moonlit basket,

Down in the ground who forever can mask it, 

Down, goes the man in me, down. 

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I am but a pair of eyes

Sitting atop a suit of armor.

Hollower than this cold disguise

Is my facade of Charmer. 

The nerves inside me don’t connect.

I don’t know where they lead.

But the pound of my gait and the creak of my joints

Remind me I cannot bleed. 

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There are rules prescribed by fools

And you break every one of them.

Your orbital jewels reduce to mules

The clowns resolved to govern them.

And all the world will buckle and curl

To those that rediscover them.

But time and again they cling to their pens

And cower when you summon them.

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Falling forward, propelled by the weight of a stony heart. 

Sixteen quarters, in exchange for neglected nutrition charts. 

Hastily homebound, to ask how he’s doing, no one dared-

Walking at negative 9.8 meters per second squared. 

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Come in students, gather around, make room...bedroom...attic… window…stars…moon...soon...Soon he’ll be moved to the West Wing...best thing...testing… school...desk…front desk...Go to the front desk, ask for his chart...graph...white water raft...Colorado…mountain state...state...He’s been in this state for weeks...creeks...water…beach… parasail...cat for sale…tea for two...like to know… no...Well?...

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Ah, young love. I wish I could’ve had that.

But at the time my heart was young my mind could not command that.

It’s hard to satisfy your soul when you throw the weight of the world into the mix,

And your heart is one hundred and six. 

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I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you,

But what I miss was never really mine at all -

The pulse of romance handed over on condition,

To be retracted once the moon began to fall. 

It’s hard to separate sensation from affection,

When I know that passion is the root of both.

I chose to think you thought me more than just a body,

But that part of you is stunted in its grow...

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I don’t think you’re a liar.

The truth was in your silence.

Your absence lit a fire sparking my internal violence.

The farther back you stepped, the more I stepped in your direction,

Til I knew I couldn’t keep the weak connection. 

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The best of times are serious.

The worst of times are sad.

For on any moment of calm impends the storm of something bad.

Her weary eyes do not disguise the taxing life she’s had.

Yet in her grace she wears a face that only droops a tad. 

The Virgin remains obedient.

She never fails or strays.

She finally feels a smile on that holiest of days.

But we resign to keep in m...

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Expecting to be neglected.

Left alone for even a second.

When you don’t check in,

I scramble through wreckage

Til I find the evidence that I’m just infected.

I stand corrected. 

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I am a toddler pretending to be a twenty-year-old. 

The stubborn emotional hunger of a two-year-old.

A child put down, never to be picked up again. 

Supplementing instead, the warm embrace of many men. 

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The soul inside watches from the eyes,

Helplessly entranced.

He’s petrified and there he learns

The value of a second chance.

But he’s so shined and well-refined that

Even the faintest beam of light

Will be reflected like the midday sun-

And with his winning smile, he will stun. 

While others wallow in loss, he has won. 

The soul inside watches from the ey...

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I carry this second mind.

We travel together all the time.

He’s just like me, but he’s distorted.

His brain, deranged; his perception, contorted. 

He whispers to me these dirty lies,

And sometimes he yells and he screams and he cries,

It breaks me down to my feeble core.

And I can’t tell who’s the real me anymore. 

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Time to “go to bed,”

I say in quotes because

I won’t be sleeping any time soon. 

5, 6, 7 am.

The sun will rise

And soon descend.

Another day passed,

And the shadows cast

On the curtains

Grow and shrink and bend.  

From one fool to another,

This view is unlike any other.

I don’t know if I’ll make it off this hill,

But I’m glad to have a brother. 

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You ask me my identity.

I’ll be whomever you want me to be. 

Don’t like my face?

I’ll take it off,

A different one will take its place. 

You ask me my identity.

Well, that is up to you, not me. 

Just give me your opinion.

I’ll agree before it sinks in.

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Angels are in the outfield, but

My demons are playing catch across the pitcher’s mound.

Hogging the ball.

6-4-3. 

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My vision was hazy

My hearing was lazy

My face was melting

My mind was crazy

But I caught myself in the reflection of my car window and somehow-

I looked fine.

I didn’t look like I was drowning,

Merely frowning.

No one could tell my eyes were rolled back,

Only eyelids slacked in an 8 am funk no one would second-guess.

It was less than obvious that ...

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I look around.

I take a breath.

I see the writing on the wall.

I smile-

The time has come,

It had been coming all along. 

“Well, this has been fun,”

I say to you, inside my mind.

“It seems the fun and games are over.

Thank you for giving me some of your time.”

You don’t respond.

Your back is turned.

You’re in a different conversation.

But I don’t ha...

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You are the Pharmakon.

You are the poison and the cure. 

I am the invalid. 

I am the one who always needs more. 

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I felt like I was at a funeral procession.

My own.

And the mourners stood up and walked in succession.

Alone. Am I.

In unison they sigh.

A look of pity in their eyes, of course,

As they circulate my corpse. 

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How do normal people keep their thoughts inside their heads?

I have to speak my thoughts aloud,

Instinctively,

A dread builds up

Inside of me

A pressure in my skull as they are

Pounding from inside of me,

As soon as I’m alone

You’ll hear my voice

It’s not a choice-

My participation in

Invisible conversation. 

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I fantasize,

Romanticize,

I paint these pictures with my eyes,

But then I open up my eyes and remember that

That’s not you. 

I realize

It’s mere disguise,

I criticize

These self-made lies,

And though I may seem wise

I cannot cut our emotional ties. 

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He had the right of way, they’ll say,

The pedestrian’s always right.

But it was hard to see him on that dark and solemn night.

It could have been prevented had the driver been prepared.

But she was barreling down the road, as he was well aware.

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A seventeen year old boy-

Is in a box.

Prom night, lights bright,

Dancing at the sock-hop. 

But no, he wasn't drunk driving-

He was hit by a drunk driver.

Another turn of the screwdriver.

A polished oak box. 

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Thank you for being my distraction.

Thank you for being my connection to the outside world.

When I wake up I’m greeted by my captor,

Reminded that dreams can only last so long

Before reality sets in:

Shivers,

Shakes,

Voices.

But I have you, my distraction.

When we talk I forget my morning glories and my nightly terrors.

Yes, the time will come

When I must shut...

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I had to pack my life away

In little boxes.

What was once cohesive has been

Split apart and categorized. 

It's just a bedroom when you

Put it in those little boxes.

Ordinary, common, necessary.

Before the boxes, the bedroom

Held more than my bed and my clothes.

All the books, snacks, messes, memories.

Before the boxes. 

And it's just a living room when yo...

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So many things I'll never say. 

So many miles I'll run away.

So many ships I've stowed away on.

So many lives I've passed away.

So many screams I've swallowed down.

So many smiles turned into frowns.

So many tears I've wiped away.

So many things I'll never say.

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If I had everything,

I would have

Nothing.

If I had quiet,

I would have

Death.

If I saw clearly I'd be

Disappointed.

No companions but the

Atoms in my breath.

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There are no puzzle pieces I can fit together.

There is no variable I can solve for.

There is no formula I can follow.

There is no special ingredient I can buy.

There is only art upon the canvas.

There are only freehand swirls and lines.

There is only knowing intuition.

And preference for the picture I design.

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If every day is pain,

And every night is steeped in isolation, 

I would go insane,

And I would cling as well in desperation,

Drinking drops of rain

To get your fill

From desert's dehydration-

I enjoy the tropics here,

Monsoons ensure my mind is clear.

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Validation would be nice,

A kiss, a touch,

Too bad my body 

Makes me squirm,

Too bad the inside's cold and hollow,

So the firmest grasp

Would feel so undeserving,

Unwarranted, indeed unnerving,

I know that I could get what I want,

And it still wouldn't change a thing.

- I can't be fixed from the outside.

Cardboard boyfriends melt in the rain.

It's probably ...

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You've got me in a tidal lock, 

You'll only ever see one face,

The one you pull, and stretch, and squeeze-

The real one faces outer space.

You've got me frozen, stuck in fear,

Unable to avert my eyes,

Unable yet to turn my head,

To break free from your tidal dread.

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This isn't love, 

This is pathology.

And this isn't a crush,

This is necrotic neurobiology,

This a dark, twisted desperation,

Barreling through the night, 

I am your sharp, fearful desperado,

Wielding a sword of fright.

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I escaped. 

But I still hear bombs dropping. 

I found refuge,

But just like the fish flopping,

The shore may be sunny,

There's peace on the riverbank,

But I gasp for water,

Or pray for a fish tank.

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Every so often my desert is watered,

4 to 6 inches of annual rainfall,

I drink it as I can,

But wait so patiently for months on end,

I'll sit so perfectly still,

I'll keep my back straight, meet my obligations, 

I'll be so good and deserving for when the rain decides to arrive.

But what do I do in the meantime?

Dream of pools and lakes and bays and oceans?

I'll kick rock...

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A single man,

Adrift at sea,

Treading water.

If he calls 

And no one hears him,

Did he make a sound?

And navy seals

Guard his perimeter 

Against the slaughter.

He sets forth in a straight line,

Sooner or later, land will be found.

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My life is an experiment,

We'll see how this shit goes.

Though God has struck up every match,

I never seem to glow. 

Each second passing, one by one,

With each a chance arrives.

But I will sit so ever still

And watch them passing by.

My life is an experiment,

Hypothesis unknown.

I'll do as any lab rat should,

And walk the maze alone.

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And yes,

I lost my keys,

And no,

I don't remember 

Names or dreams,

My head is off in future lands,

It makes no space for dates or plans,

So sue me if my destiny 

Is keeping track of this world's needs,

But by my understanding,

You need my brain for the next world's planning.

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Heels so high,

And robes so wide,

She clutches her paper

Impossibly tight,

And although she

Made it with a

Future bright,

She's still a little girl inside.

Mother watches, 

Father's scotches

Clink in the glass

As the painter swatches

Alabaster and eggshell white,

The child aspires with all her might.

Though mother's scoff rings in her ears,

Sh...

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I live next to a family.

They will not take me in.

The orphan comes and goes,

They wave goodbye, he waves hello.

I live next to a family.

They offer all I need.

My sniffing around for crumbs 

Becomes the paradigm of greed.

The orphan waits for fostering

For hours at a time.

I live next to a family that never once was mine.

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Racing, 

Spinning,

Plexiglass 

Will keep me trapped 

on looping paths.

Back and forth I pace,

As time erases 

Every chance I have.

Bouncing off the walls,

I stay contained 

Within these mental stalls.

The fence appearing infinitely tall -

There's nowhere farther down left to fall.

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Loneliness proves quite the guest

When your only friend is yourself.

We keep in tight accordance,

Though we dream of somewhere else.

Myself and I, our hands are tied,

I'd rather run, he'd rather hide,

But each of us knows better than

To kick the one who's cast aside.

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You're like,

The wind chill,

Icy,

The sting kills,

Sunny,

The skies stay,

You ruin them

Anyway,

You make, 

The good bad,

The Spring time,

A winter pad,

It could have been

So nice,

You sting me,

With thin ice.

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Your impulses robbed me of my childhood. 

Your explosions scared me half to death.

Your spinning wheels brought me to tears,

And my tears caused more outrage, so I stifled my breath.

Yet somehow in the midst of your rage

You were never the monster.

Somehow in the sea of frustration 

I still craved your love.

Somehow your smile took away

All the fear and depression.

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You have all the answers, don't you

And you have solutions to each of my problems-

Tell me then, why do you spiral in circles,

And always stay stuck in the same damn place.

I was here trying to help you move forward,

To dig out your wheels from under the sand.

But here you are packing the beach back in again,

Thanking me kindly for extending my hand.

Maybe if you ...

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Oh Houdini,

You're quite the escape artist,

Slipping away as soon as I arrive.

You live off being needed,

For your help they all have pleaded,

But when we need an open heart from you,

You run away and hide.

Unwound, for a moment, from these acrobatics,

You'll steer this ship til the break of dawn,

Then you fly to the sky in desperate contortions,

When I'm looking...

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