I run all around, and I

Jump up and down, but no

Matter the distance traveled,

I still feel pinned down.

I could move out of state,

I could even change my name,

I could raise an army against her, but I'm

Pinned to the ground.

The part of me that needs to please,

That part emerges in my dreams,

It yells, it screams, it cries, it teems

With rage-

That sh...

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I'd rather be boring than let my heart soar,

And I'd rather sleep soundly then keep every score,

And I'd rather be smiling then secretly crying

Alone, in the backroom of the basement of my mind.

And I'd rather be silent than endlessly violent,

I'd rather have nothing than more than I can carry,

And I'd rather be peaceful than searching the streets

For a ghost that will va...

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You ran all over and passed out your drug,

You made sure everyone knew who you loved,

I couldn't help but hold on to my cash,

I couldn't part from my personal stash.

You made it everyone else's problem,

You put your nose into everyone's trash,

I wouldn't dare ask for help as I solved them,

No one could access my personal stash.

You got your kicks off of shouting f...

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Body tired.

Brain wired.

Can’t do anything,

Have to do everything,

Guilty for sitting

But wholly unwilling to move-

Stuck in an endless groove. 

Stuck

Stuck

Stuck in a rut.

Working or sleeping or anything’s better than this,

In the abyss.

Kiss

Goodbye to your luck.

Stuck in a rut. 

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Down, down, down in the casket,

Down in the wake of the moonlit basket,

Down in the ground who forever can mask it, 

Down, goes the man in me, down. 

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I am but a pair of eyes

Sitting atop a suit of armor.

Hollower than this cold disguise

Is my facade of Charmer. 

The nerves inside me don’t connect.

I don’t know where they lead.

But the pound of my gait and the creak of my joints

Remind me I cannot bleed. 

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There are rules prescribed by fools

And you break every one of them.

Your orbital jewels reduce to mules

The clowns resolved to govern them.

And all the world will buckle and curl

To those that rediscover them.

But time and again they cling to their pens

And cower when you summon them.

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Falling forward, propelled by the weight of a stony heart. 

Sixteen quarters, in exchange for neglected nutrition charts. 

Hastily homebound, to ask how he’s doing, no one dared-

Walking at negative 9.8 meters per second squared. 

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Come in students, gather around, make room...bedroom...attic… window…stars…moon...soon...Soon he’ll be moved to the West Wing...best thing...testing… school...desk…front desk...Go to the front desk, ask for his chart...graph...white water raft...Colorado…mountain state...state...He’s been in this state for weeks...creeks...water…beach… parasail...cat for sale…tea for two...like to know… no...Well?...

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Ah, young love. I wish I could’ve had that.

But at the time my heart was young my mind could not command that.

It’s hard to satisfy your soul when you throw the weight of the world into the mix,

And your heart is one hundred and six. 

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I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss you,

But what I miss was never really mine at all -

The pulse of romance handed over on condition,

To be retracted once the moon began to fall. 

It’s hard to separate sensation from affection,

When I know that passion is the root of both.

I chose to think you thought me more than just a body,

But that part of you is stunted in its grow...

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I don’t think you’re a liar.

The truth was in your silence.

Your absence lit a fire sparking my internal violence.

The farther back you stepped, the more I stepped in your direction,

Til I knew I couldn’t keep the weak connection. 

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The best of times are serious.

The worst of times are sad.

For on any moment of calm impends the storm of something bad.

Her weary eyes do not disguise the taxing life she’s had.

Yet in her grace she wears a face that only droops a tad. 

The Virgin remains obedient.

She never fails or strays.

She finally feels a smile on that holiest of days.

But we resign to keep in m...

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Expecting to be neglected.

Left alone for even a second.

When you don’t check in,

I scramble through wreckage

Til I find the evidence that I’m just infected.

I stand corrected. 

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I am a toddler pretending to be a twenty-year-old. 

The stubborn emotional hunger of a two-year-old.

A child put down, never to be picked up again. 

Supplementing instead, the warm embrace of many men. 

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The soul inside watches from the eyes,

Helplessly entranced.

He’s petrified and there he learns

The value of a second chance.

But he’s so shined and well-refined that

Even the faintest beam of light

Will be reflected like the midday sun-

And with his winning smile, he will stun. 

While others wallow in loss, he has won. 

The soul inside watches from the ey...

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I carry this second mind.

We travel together all the time.

He’s just like me, but he’s distorted.

His brain, deranged; his perception, contorted. 

He whispers to me these dirty lies,

And sometimes he yells and he screams and he cries,

It breaks me down to my feeble core.

And I can’t tell who’s the real me anymore. 

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Time to “go to bed,”

I say in quotes because

I won’t be sleeping any time soon. 

5, 6, 7 am.

The sun will rise

And soon descend.

Another day passed,

And the shadows cast

On the curtains

Grow and shrink and bend.  

From one fool to another,

This view is unlike any other.

I don’t know if I’ll make it off this hill,

But I’m glad to have a brother. 

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You ask me my identity.

I’ll be whomever you want me to be. 

Don’t like my face?

I’ll take it off,

A different one will take its place. 

You ask me my identity.

Well, that is up to you, not me. 

Just give me your opinion.

I’ll agree before it sinks in.

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Angels are in the outfield, but

My demons are playing catch across the pitcher’s mound.

Hogging the ball.

6-4-3. 

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My vision was hazy

My hearing was lazy

My face was melting

My mind was crazy

But I caught myself in the reflection of my car window and somehow-

I looked fine.

I didn’t look like I was drowning,

Merely frowning.

No one could tell my eyes were rolled back,

Only eyelids slacked in an 8 am funk no one would second-guess.

It was less than obvious that ...

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I look around.

I take a breath.

I see the writing on the wall.

I smile-

The time has come,

It had been coming all along. 

“Well, this has been fun,”

I say to you, inside my mind.

“It seems the fun and games are over.

Thank you for giving me some of your time.”

You don’t respond.

Your back is turned.

You’re in a different conversation.

But I don’t ha...

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You are the Pharmakon.

You are the poison and the cure. 

I am the invalid. 

I am the one who always needs more. 

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I felt like I was at a funeral procession.

My own.

And the mourners stood up and walked in succession.

Alone. Am I.

In unison they sigh.

A look of pity in their eyes, of course,

As they circulate my corpse. 

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How do normal people keep their thoughts inside their heads?

I have to speak my thoughts aloud,

Instinctively,

A dread builds up

Inside of me

A pressure in my skull as they are

Pounding from inside of me,

As soon as I’m alone

You’ll hear my voice

It’s not a choice-

My participation in

Invisible conversation. 

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I fantasize,

Romanticize,

I paint these pictures with my eyes,

But then I open up my eyes and remember that

That’s not you. 

I realize

It’s mere disguise,

I criticize

These self-made lies,

And though I may seem wise

I cannot cut our emotional ties. 

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He had the right of way, they’ll say,

The pedestrian’s always right.

But it was hard to see him on that dark and solemn night.

It could have been prevented had the driver been prepared.

But she was barreling down the road, as he was well aware.

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A seventeen year old boy-

Is in a box.

Prom night, lights bright,

Dancing at the sock-hop. 

But no, he wasn't drunk driving-

He was hit by a drunk driver.

Another turn of the screwdriver.

A polished oak box. 

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Thank you for being my distraction.

Thank you for being my connection to the outside world.

When I wake up I’m greeted by my captor,

Reminded that dreams can only last so long

Before reality sets in:

Shivers,

Shakes,

Voices.

But I have you, my distraction.

When we talk I forget my morning glories and my nightly terrors.

Yes, the time will come

When I must shut...

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I had to pack my life away

In little boxes.

What was once cohesive has been

Split apart and categorized. 

It's just a bedroom when you

Put it in those little boxes.

Ordinary, common, necessary.

Before the boxes, the bedroom

Held more than my bed and my clothes.

All the books, snacks, messes, memories.

Before the boxes. 

And it's just a living room when yo...

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