So many things I'll never say. 

So many miles I'll run away.

So many ships I've stowed away on.

So many lives I've passed away.

So many screams I've swallowed down.

So many smiles turned into frowns.

So many tears I've wiped away.

So many things I'll never say.

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If I had everything,

I would have

Nothing.

If I had quiet,

I would have

Death.

If I saw clearly I'd be

Disappointed.

No companions but the

Atoms in my breath.

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There are no puzzle pieces I can fit together.

There is no variable I can solve for.

There is no formula I can follow.

There is no special ingredient I can buy.

There is only art upon the canvas.

There are only freehand swirls and lines.

There is only knowing intuition.

And preference for the picture I design.

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If every day is pain,

And every night is steeped in isolation, 

I would go insane,

And I would cling as well in desperation,

Drinking drops of rain

To get your fill

From desert's dehydration-

I enjoy the tropics here,

Monsoons ensure my mind is clear.

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Validation would be nice,

A kiss, a touch,

Too bad my body 

Makes me squirm,

Too bad the inside's cold and hollow,

So the firmest grasp

Would feel so undeserving,

Unwarranted, indeed unnerving,

I know that I could get what I want,

And it still wouldn't change a thing.

- I can't be fixed from the outside.

Cardboard boyfriends melt in the rain.

It's probably ...

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You've got me in a tidal lock, 

You'll only ever see one face,

The one you pull, and stretch, and squeeze-

The real one faces outer space.

You've got me frozen, stuck in fear,

Unable to avert my eyes,

Unable yet to turn my head,

To break free from your tidal dread.

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This isn't love, 

This is pathology.

And this isn't a crush,

This is necrotic neurobiology,

This a dark, twisted desperation,

Barreling through the night, 

I am your sharp, fearful desperado,

Wielding a sword of fright.

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I escaped. 

But I still hear bombs dropping. 

I found refuge,

But just like the fish flopping,

The shore may be sunny,

There's peace on the riverbank,

But I gasp for water,

Or pray for a fish tank.

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Every so often my desert is watered,

4 to 6 inches of annual rainfall,

I drink it as I can,

But wait so patiently for months on end,

I'll sit so perfectly still,

I'll keep my back straight, meet my obligations, 

I'll be so good and deserving for when the rain decides to arrive.

But what do I do in the meantime?

Dream of pools and lakes and bays and oceans?

I'll kick rock...

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A single man,

Adrift at sea,

Treading water.

If he calls 

And no one hears him,

Did he make a sound?

And navy seals

Guard his perimeter 

Against the slaughter.

He sets forth in a straight line,

Sooner or later, land will be found.

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My life is an experiment,

We'll see how this shit goes.

Though God has struck up every match,

I never seem to glow. 

Each second passing, one by one,

With each a chance arrives.

But I will sit so ever still

And watch them passing by.

My life is an experiment,

Hypothesis unknown.

I'll do as any lab rat should,

And walk the maze alone.

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And yes,

I lost my keys,

And no,

I don't remember 

Names or dreams,

My head is off in future lands,

It makes no space for dates or plans,

So sue me if my destiny 

Is keeping track of this world's needs,

But by my understanding,

You need my brain for the next world's planning.

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Heels so high,

And robes so wide,

She clutches her paper

Impossibly tight,

And although she

Made it with a

Future bright,

She's still a little girl inside.

Mother watches, 

Father's scotches

Clink in the glass

As the painter swatches

Alabaster and eggshell white,

The child aspires with all her might.

Though mother's scoff rings in her ears,

Sh...

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I live next to a family.

They will not take me in.

The orphan comes and goes,

They wave goodbye, he waves hello.

I live next to a family.

They offer all I need.

My sniffing around for crumbs 

Becomes the paradigm of greed.

The orphan waits for fostering

For hours at a time.

I live next to a family that never once was mine.

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Racing, 

Spinning,

Plexiglass 

Will keep me trapped 

on looping paths.

Back and forth I pace,

As time erases 

Every chance I have.

Bouncing off the walls,

I stay contained 

Within these mental stalls.

The fence appearing infinitely tall -

There's nowhere farther down left to fall.

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Loneliness proves quite the guest

When your only friend is yourself.

We keep in tight accordance,

Though we dream of somewhere else.

Myself and I, our hands are tied,

I'd rather run, he'd rather hide,

But each of us knows better than

To kick the one who's cast aside.

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You're like,

The wind chill,

Icy,

The sting kills,

Sunny,

The skies stay,

You ruin them

Anyway,

You make, 

The good bad,

The Spring time,

A winter pad,

It could have been

So nice,

You sting me,

With thin ice.

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Your impulses robbed me of my childhood. 

Your explosions scared me half to death.

Your spinning wheels brought me to tears,

And my tears caused more outrage, so I stifled my breath.

Yet somehow in the midst of your rage

You were never the monster.

Somehow in the sea of frustration 

I still craved your love.

Somehow your smile took away

All the fear and depression.

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You have all the answers, don't you

And you have solutions to each of my problems-

Tell me then, why do you spiral in circles,

And always stay stuck in the same damn place.

I was here trying to help you move forward,

To dig out your wheels from under the sand.

But here you are packing the beach back in again,

Thanking me kindly for extending my hand.

Maybe if you ...

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Oh Houdini,

You're quite the escape artist,

Slipping away as soon as I arrive.

You live off being needed,

For your help they all have pleaded,

But when we need an open heart from you,

You run away and hide.

Unwound, for a moment, from these acrobatics,

You'll steer this ship til the break of dawn,

Then you fly to the sky in desperate contortions,

When I'm looking...

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How does a funeral director 

Control unruly corpses?

How do you make the dead 

Remain in their graves 

When they climb out and force you to play?

How do the orphans get any quiet

When their parents are causing a riot,

The head mistress offers them 

Pence on the dollar, in squalor,

It's better than shrinking down smaller.

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I

Keep going back and forth 

You

Keep beating down the door

I 

Ebb and flow amidst the moon tides,

You

Cast your net and trap a bird's eye

I

Want to dock on solid ground here

You 

Push me overboard and steer clear

I 

Know my home land when I see it

You 

Will never stop to let me grieve it.

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Pits of ashes,

You can't hear me through your

Dots and dashes.

Screaming face,

You're stuck in place,

I walk away with grace.

You'll try to tell me I am wrong,

But I'll just walk along - 

Thinking clearly,

Moving queerly,

Living life sincerely.

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If I trusted myself 

I would end communication.

If I trusted myself I would 

End the relationship -

The lack of relationship,

For what I am facing 

Is something so empty 

It sucks me in.

They are a black hole

Around which I rotate.

The singularity 

Spaghettifies my mind.

Daily, I've tried giving up my feelings, my soul,

To avoid what's on the other side.

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I go through phases like the moon.

Sometimes I'm bright, sometimes invisible,

Sometimes I'm just peeking out 

From the crowd,

But as soon as I'm spotted the

Teeth become rotten,

I beg I'm forgotten,

But here I am cursed. 

Hoping to freeze I'm dragged

Up off my knees

And I stare as my hiding place

Fades in the breeze,

How I wish I could stay 

Locked away

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*Click* Shine the flashlight,

Straight into my eyes,

Hold tight.

Feel the cold steel,

Making your appeal, 

Don't fight.

Overhead lamp,

Swinging once again -

This is merely questioning,

You aren't in our custody,

But every flinch and blustering 

Increases our suspicion. 

Narrowed eyes examine you and

Notes are scrawled by experts who

Have pre-determined evi...

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Calabasas,

Eat molasses,

You don't know what crass is.

I've been hunting,

I've been preying,

While your skirts are swaying-

Stick your pole into the ground,

We hike the walls of Puget Sound,

I can't believe we counted minutes 

While the hour hand passes.

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My head is on backwards, 

What have I done.

I run forward, blindly,

My eyes look behind me,

My arms are outstretched

As I run past my purpose-

At long last, I see it as it's drifting away.

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Dropping bombs,

I run away,

Waiting to see the explosion 

From behind a smoke screen.

You reach out,

Your hands decay,

Repulsed, I turn away. 

I quench your thirst,

My words of love 

Are nectar to your ears,

But if I step back,

Your affection rots to poison.

If you can't have me,

I become hated for treason.

Soft eyes on the oldest, most pitiful f...

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Waiting for the other shoe to fall,

Waiting for the backwards curtain call,

Rather than taking direction from the script,

It is the mutinous actors who call it quits.

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Spinning in circles, 

How long will I search for

Some answers,

An audience,

The answer is obvious,

But truth can be stated

Yet useless, debated by the

Very one offending,

My sanity up-ending.

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I'm not the match,

And I'm not the gasoline,

I'm just the sticks that you're using as kindling.

You could have used the lumber 

To build a palace, but instead,

You're doomed to fallacy-

You blame the ash and char 

For every burn and scar.

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You're the dead weight,

I'm the freight,

I carry you around,

Why do I wait

For clean slates,

Aye, the dead wait.

Mind inside a crate,

Dig the grave

For my own sake,

Can't believe I wait,

The yoke breaks 

From your dead weight.

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