Sonnet – self portrait

Over them all, my eye, in seeking, strayed:
A dressing table in chaotic state;
A birthday card arrived a fortnight late;
A wooden deer from Africa, hand made;
The bookcase piled with paper, files and books;
The bed untidy, and the dusty floor;
The littered desk, Van Gogh upon the door;
And from the wall my sad self-drawing looks.

I took a charcoal and a paper rough,
And from my mirrored image took the shades
To print myself upon the battered page.
But fast all meaning from the image fades.
I want to catch this moment in a cage
Of language, for the line is not enough.

I really like this - it flows well and I can identify - sounds like it could be me at times!

Yes how can we be ruthless if the poem is really good?

Maybe the end is a little flat? How could it be made stronger?

Freda - I like this a lot, but I disagree a little that it can't be improved - the things that's jarring with me is the repetitive use of 'A', 'The' and 'And' at the start of the lines - a bit like the 'empty carbs' in beer :-) - I've had a go at a few changes, without adding anything that takes away from the original syllable count or general theme - see what you think....

I'm also not a big fan of capitalised line starts, so I've changed to lower case where a capital letter isn't necessary - don't know if that's making a major faux pas in terms of Sonnet-Law :-)

Sonnet – self portrait

Over them all, my eye, in seeking, strayed:
My dressing table in chaotic state;
Some birthday card arrived a fortnight late;
Dark wooden deer from Africa, hand made;
Old bookcase piled with paper, files and books;
Our bed untidy, and the dusty floor;
Small littered desk, Van Gogh upon the door;
Then from the wall my sad self-drawing looks.

I took a charcoal and a paper rough,
and from my mirrored image took the shades
to print myself upon the battered page.
But fast all meaning from the image fades.
I want to catch this moment in a cage
of language, for the line is not enough.