I've removed my original comments but if anyone does fancy a game of Cluedo my contact details are on what's left of my profile.

I've got a fantastic candlestick.

Of that Sir, I have no doubt.

Incidentally, where were you last night between the hours 8 and 10?

Strutting your Stuff is illegal in Middleton. Unless it's with a close family member.

Pissed out of my head at home drooling over fantasies of Gemma and flapjack. Middleton is a hundred miles further from me than it is from Wigan and I am not allowed to drink and drive. I might encounter a poetic ex copper in a dream world.

...and tell me - just where will you see one of those? 8-]

In a whore's bed in Middleton obviously.

Look beyond the obvious - obviously.

Too dangerous. I'm delicate.

I heard - anyway, enough of this 'last word freakishness'.

Are we going to see you at Wigan's NXNW festival? Wigan has electric lights now, you know.

so on the whole darren , you would say that my night in a hot tub was a more rewarding experience :)

No I 'm going to Shoeless's hot tub. Don't worry about the lights.

its in wigan :)

Oh right. Do I have to perform?

not if you dont want to , you can just watch

That depends - if 'hot tub' is a euphamism.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. I'm very harsh. I've tried the 'self-depreciating' methods, but I'm not very good at those either.

6/10 - Could've been better - Including myself. I was crispy.

Relief. I'm on my way!

Come to Wirral Words tomorrow Darren. You can have such a miserable night you will be convulsed by dreams all night and able to drone on for hours next morning.

STOP! Don't drive - intoxicants are far too stubborn these days. Even now they're swilling around your hot-tub in diluted form. You'll get some pencil-necked cop busting your buns and... Mal?
MAL? MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!

Wirrall do. I'll speak to Alfred. He'll get the Batmobile ready.

Malpoet is banned from the Bards .. and banned from my home town an' all.

We don't want no trouble.

The Tudor is a local pub, for local people (including the Wiggin diaspora).

Leave the Wigan diapers to themselves I reckon.

Darren
My money is on Col. Mustard... Julian, no one could miss the flood of fluid beneath his chair. Fear like that stems from some dark secret.

I cannot be blamed for my lack of reverence, mainly in view of the company I keep. I was unfrocked by the bishop several years ago, hell of a party that was. By the way, as far as I recall everything started to blur in the second half, you don't suppose Gemma or Miss Whiplash as she is better known as in Middleton, had put something in her flapjacks. Just food for thought.

Quite fancy Mals do tomoz are you going?

SO!!! It would appear Inspector Clueless isn't as clueless as my colleagues would have me believe!
Either that or the poison went into the wrong drink. Hm!
I wonder if that's why Julians drink is now burning and bubbling what's left of the varnished wooden floors.
Alas! My ruse has been foiled and my disguise as Miss Scarlett seen through. Damn and double drat!!
It was merely the fumes which permeated the nostrils to further warp the dastardly Darrens mind.
I fear his reviews are here to stay for a while longer my friends. I really must work a little harder to perfect the recipe for the potion.

Apart from all that though, it was my second visit to Middleton and i received a warm welcome. Thankyou. :-)
For me, it was a very sober evening across the board.
Many thanks to the barstaff for properly stirring the lemonade in my shandys' . I managed 4 with no bloatedness or flatulence. :-) A feat in itself.

Hi Gus - There is every chance I'll be going - if only to experience those devilish sensations you get driving through a tunnel without turning on your headlights.

Janet
Didn't notice your flatulence mmmm ? I take it you had your hearing aid turned down then.

Darren
If Ronaldo can do it so can you.

Are you implying i'm an old wind-bag by any chance Gus ?

Sorry i forgot to mention sober excepting Gus Jonssons cheeky little numbers which always produce a tongue in cheek as opposed to throat reaction.
It's difficult to actually smile with someones tongue down the throat. :-))

Well, well, well Mr T's critique of Middleton has progressed as far as getting those of us tired of WoL interested again. Thank goodness someone has had the foresight to provoke a debate regarding Middleton. I too have witnessed the antidote to insomnia that is Middleton. Incidently the last time I was there (last summer) with the infamous Mr Whittle some poet over ran their slot by 15 minutes, I thought this was hilarious and my joy was quickly rebuffed by the Zombies in the audience. Although Mr Blackburn looked bermused as he tried to usher her off. t. r. Sims performed there and was told she was to anarcistic, at this stage she had only removed her guitar from its case!! Heaven forbid that I might be enjoying myself at a performance poetry evening, I mean, what was I thinking?!! So possibly Mr T was unfortunate in that he provoked Microphone Gate but I think this may have been misconstrued. Has no one ever read a satirical, ironic review before? Pick up any of your broadsheets and Barkin, Burchill et el love a sparing match in print. We have a long history of satarists that predates Pope by a good few hundred years! Maybe Mr T was having a 'pop' at the literary world and how we can all at times disappear up our own preverbiales! As for Mr T being a mysogynist, this I can't accept, as a friend of Darren's I find him whitty, truthful and honest. On the 'Can women take criticism?' Well I believe this is not so much a gender issue as a fact that we all regardless of sex,can be precious at times regarding our own work! Lisa B was said to be 'disgruntled' at Louise Jone's review of her 'Diving for shiny things' but Louise was acting in her capacity as literary critic and produced a well balanced review which showed insight and understanding of poetry and the contemporary performance poetry scene. Critiquing perfomances; surely this is the only way any of us will improve as artists. There is far too much pandering to the regulars of WoL who would be ripped to shreads in the semi-professional arena of performance poetry. However, that said, if a Sunday evening spent in the back room of a bar is your thing maybe Middleton would appease. Thank goodness that Tim Clare went to Wigan on his whistle stop tour of performance poetry nights. Wigan with the energy and anarchy of a true performance evening only highlights further the quite frankly, dire, dreary and at best twee evening that Middleton is!

Louise
Some good points there

Cheers Lauretta x

As I've said before - I wasn't at Middleton, never been, don't know most of the people alluded to; but I DO look forward to Darren's reviews, and hope his absence from the site isn't a long one.
Cx

Hi Louise
Great response!!, and I agree with Lauretta.

However the point you make re critique in the cauldron of POETS or is that proper big boy poets... or queer vegan poets.. I only say this because I am or often representative of WOL, and whilst I agree with all that you say, especially with regard to Darren Thomas...I would be happy to defend my poetry against those '''other semi propoets'' ...who would tear me to pieces... but...
...as you say in the event I write crap...best be knowing.

when we are given an arena for honest ironic or constructive critique we all fight shy... i.e. we only comment in the positive...quickly returning to NICE mode.

Hear! hear! - Absolutely agree with Louise, Lauretta & Gus. In the nicest possible way, of course.
Cx

Hi Gus

I get your point and must say I am supportive of poets in general.

People new to the scene need support and constructive critism, from which ever view point they chose to take. I believe there is a large enough arena to accomodate this.

Sadly, where Middleton is concerned I ran out of patience some time ago.

Will look forward to reading your stuff and will check out your profile.

Louise x

Poor Middleton. My dad lives there. And I find it difficult to be objective about the venue since the one and only time I was there it was for my mother's post-funeral meal.
And as for the blessed DT review... I rejoice in funny and clever when there is integrity, insight and a generous heart. Cold, barbed opinion that simply holds up people for a bout of extended mockery, however mirth-making, is a form of victimisation. It's cruel and immoral.
I hope both Darren and Katie return to WOL.