As the Roman Empire dwindled
And left us on our own
Were our ancestors befuddled
As they waved them off to Rome?
Could the darkness that resulted
Have been a happier kind of caper
If those left behind had been more kind
And not hoarded toilet paper?

When William the Conqueror 
Brought his army to our shore
Poor Harold tried before he died
And who could ask a bloke for more?
Did his soldiers wonder what went wrong
As the arrow struck his eye
And believe the better strategy
Would have been to have two-ply?

When the Black Death came marauding
Killing one in every three
No-one was left untouched, unharmed
By the menace of the flea
As they inspected all their armpits
And found those fearsome buboes
Were some thinking "I've got bog roll,
so that's something, I suppose"?

As Charles the First and Cromwell
Faced each other in the court
After all the years of fighting
There was one thing Oli sought;
The King's head on the chopping block
Then maybe put up on a pole
But was second on his agenda
To stock up on loo roll?

When London's fire and chaos spread
Out from Pudding Lane
Rich and poor were homeless
Their lives would never be the same
As Wren rebuilt St Paul's and more
Restoring London to her glory
Did he insist on quilted Andrex
Be part of our nation's story?

When the doodlebugs were dropping
And the Luftwaffe was strong
As they put up blackout curtains
Did our forebears get it wrong?
Instead of rationing the nation
And stirring passion with his quotes
Should Churchill have paused the fighting
And just focussed on bum notes?

Now it's our time to be stoic
The NHS is under stress
Hard times are still to come we're warned
And we must do our best
Most are not forced to be heroes
Just to limit trips to town
So can we stop the needless hoarding
And just calm the duck right down?