The apples are out to get us

They poison the air that we breathe

They might look sweet and innocent

But secretly they seethe 

 

The apples are keen to murder

They’ll sting you through their skin

Your hands and face will then blister

And the pain will then really begin

 

The apples are out to kill us

Each one is rotten to the core

They give off evil vapours

Gamma waves and more

 

The apples are homicidal

Don’t be tempted by their juice

Imbibing it can be fatal

And cider is just self-abuse

 

Don’t try to coat them with toffee

Don’t sweeten them up in a pie

Don’t chop them into cute slices

Your kids will eat them and die

 

It was never the snake that was evil

It wasn’t Adam nor Eve

The apple was the real culprit 

That’s what I choose to believe 

 

Eating an apple a day is just crazy

It’ll send you to meet your maker

You might well avoid the doctor 

But you’d need an undertaker 

 

We should avoid them completely 

Even their pips are satanic seeds

I’m not sure if I can prove it

But I think that’s how they breed

 

I’ve heard that grapes can be cunning

Can ferment and bottle themselves 

Bananas conspire to split and to shake

While limes nightly turn into elves

 

I sense lemons are nasty and jealous

But that’s kinda more of a hunch

So I stick to beer at parties

And steer well clear of the punch

 

I hope that this makes the headlines 

That they teach it in every school

But please don’t be a martyr 

Don’t be a fruit-eating fool

 

P.S

You might question my motives for writing

But I was bored and had some time free

And if some goon should believe it

Well then, I’m hoping more apples for me