Press one to listen to a stupid recorder

press two to hear boring music while you wait

press three for Swahili

press four to speak to an operator in Bangladesh

press five to hear a list of recommended restaurants in your area

press six to add pickles & onions

press seven to give you time to go to the bathroom

press eight to check your rising blood pressure

press nine to pay your exorbitant bill and call EMS

press ten to order a hammer to destroy this phone.