To Ride Jock’s Bloody Bull

 

When you’re ten years old, and you’ve got a best mate

You’re a very lucky lad

And my best mate was Sando

The best mate a lad coulda had

 

We stuck together through thick and thin

Through hail and stormy weather

Through trials and tribulations

We’d faced the world together

 

And always it was just me and him

And I liked it…. Just him and me

Till Lawley started… just taggin’ along

And somehow…the two became three

 

But, it still it was me and my besty

With Lawley just taggin’ along

Me and my besty

A two plus one

With Lawley just taggin’ along

 

And I got used to Lawley…just taggin’ along

I got used to him always being present

Like a stench, your nose becomes blind to

Then somehow it seems less unpleasant

 

I got used to Lawley… just taggin’ along

Whatever we did, he did anorl

Till the day he announced, he’d ride Jock’s bloody bull

And that’s where I sensed my downfall

 

If Lawley rides Jock’s bloody bull

Will Sando still be my best-mate?

Or will he favour him over me

Had he sealed my fate

 

If Lawley rides Jock’s bloody bull

I feared that I’d then be rejected

I’ll be the one left out in the cold

Sad and alone and dejected

 

 

I loved Sando, like I loved no other

And I loved being a two-man-band

And I loved him more than I loved my own brother

Platonically, you’ll understand

 

We were the perfect pair, the gruesome twosome

Best mates since the age of six

And I loved being part of the dynamic duo

Till this lad muscled in inbetwixt

 

I’ll ride Jocks bloody bull, he said

With bravado and self-belief

I’ll jump on its back

Tek the bull by the horns

Two ton of pure bully beef

 

I’ll ride Jock’s bloody bull, he said

Then he threw this ‘un into the mix

I’ll canter it up and down a bit

Then I’ll show you some rodeo tricks

 

I loathed the lad

With contempt and distain

Every hair on his head

I loathed the lad

And it’s hard to explain

To my shame, I wished the lad dead

 

Go on

Ride Jock’s bloody bull I thought

And I hope tha gets trampled to death

Usurper, intruder, you’re not wanted here

You cuckoo in the nest

 

Go on

Ride Jock’s bloody bull I thought

And I hope that tha get gored

A ship’s in stormy waters

With a stowaway on board

 

I wish every possible ill on you

And I hope you succumb to your fate

I hope you get your just deserts

For coming twixt me and my mate

 

So there we were, at Jocks field

With the bulls on the other side

When Lawley picked out this magnificent beast

The one he was going to ride

 

Jock’s bloody bulls were all gigantic

But this ‘un particularly so

Two tons of bully beef and horns

A long-horned beefalo

 

It steamed as it thundered towards us

And I swear it was breathing out smoke

A seismic event, as it bellowed and snorted

As the footpath quivered and quoke

 

 

I tried maskin’ my fear

But I just couldn’t hide it

I’d a new-found respect

For the lad who would ride it

 

And I looked to the beast

This magnificent creature

And that’s when I noticed

It missing one feature

 

Cos… I knew a bull shudda had bollocks

And I looked at the place where it shudda

And there hangin’ down by its back legs

Was a baggy saggy udder

 

It’s not a bull, it’s a cow I said

As we regarded one another

It’s not a bull it’s a cow I said

It’s got a bloody udder

 

They said

Who are you.. to say that it isn’t a bull

And to say that.. it’s just a cow

They said, would thy ride the bloody thing

I think the answer is no.. somehow

 

And I’d never felt so ashamed of missen

For making such a bloody fuss

He wasn’t trying to nick my best mate

He just wanted to be one of us

 

 

So we held the beast still, with firm steady hands

As Lawley ascended the gate

On a self-designed initiation test

In order to.. just be our mate

 

 

He literally took the bull by its horns

And kinda hovered there over its back

Then gently, so gently lowered himsen down

And it tossed him off with a crack

 

He weren’t even on for a second

When he hit the ground hard… with a thud

And he landed splat..  between the beasts hooves

Rolling about in the mud

 

And the big massive beast tried to trample and gore him

As he wriggled about underneath

Till he made his escape through a gap in the gate

And I let out a sigh of relief

 

And I blamed missen, cos I’d wished ill upon him

And I’d wished he’d get trampled and gored

And I blamed missen, for Lawley’s sad fate

And I blamed missen for our discord

 

 

So now.. if anyone asks me

I say he rode Jock’s bull that bloody day

I say he took the bull by the horns

And gave us bronco display

 

I say, he rode Jock’s bloody bull that day

And I throw this ‘un into the mix

I say he cantered it up and down a bit

Then he showed us some rodeo tricks

 

And if anyone says it wasn’t a bull

And that it was only a cow

I say, would thy have ridden the bloody thing

I think the answer is no.. somehow