Well, actually, I’ve misled you a bit – she didn’t actually fall in it.  But it was a close and very funny second best.

We’d gone on a bike ride and came back by way of a cycle track at the side of the old Barnsley Canal.  I rode in front on the towpath with her behind.  She has a habit of stopping every few minutes to answer her phone, take her coat off, send a text message, put her coat on or set her fitbit.  Now the first I know about this is when I glance in my handlebar mirror to find, in the words of The Zombies, “She’s Not There”.

But not this time.  She announced she wasn’t there with a weak and plaintive “Ooohhh”, followed by “Help”. Now “Help” generally signifies some dire emergency on Our Gert’s part such as a broken nail.  Nevertheless I knew I‘d get a bollocking if I didn’t show some sort of chivalrous interest.

But this wasn’t as simple as it seems.  Both bikes have got a kickstand for parking them upright(ish).  But the towpath had a camber towards the canal.  So when I tried to stand it up it would have toppled over and in.  Obviously, I needed to turn it round so it faced the other way.  Again, not as easy as it seems because the towpath was about three feet wide and was banked steeply up on the side away from the canal.

Anyroadup, I did manage it but all the while I could hear coming from nowhere, “Help” and “Where the fuck are you?”.

When I got to her I found her lying behind a big rock (which was why I couldn’t see her) face up, sprawled down the muddy bank with her head about a foot from the water, and her bike lying on top of her.

Well, she didn’t half look funny or, rather, half of us thought she looked funny.  Although I wanted to get this on YouTube, FaceBook and Jeremy Beedle’s Bloopers she threatened me with cutting off my nuts when I reached for my phone.  So I decided helping her up was for the best.

Now, to do this I had to first of all lift her bike off her.  This turned out to be harder than you’d think for two reasons.  Firstly, it’s an electric bike complete with battery, motor and saddle bags holding enough make-up to stock Savers.  So it’s bloody heavy.  Secondly, the bits I wanted to get hold of, the handlebar stem and the seat post faced away from me ie the wheels were in my way preventing me getting a close enough hold on it to lift it.  But I did. Eventually.

All the time she’s bleating about slipping down the muddy bank head first into the canal.  (”If only!” I thought).  But here’s where it got funnier still.  As soon as I started to edge the bike off her I realised that it was only the bike pinning her down, so she slowly started sliding away. 

Well, to bring a long story to a close, the only thing I could reach of her was her foot so I gallantly pulled her back up the bank like that.

Now, I know what you’re thinking.  You’re thinking “I bet she was really grateful to you”.