Two stones banged together 
To create a misplaced spark
Forget about the weather
Never mind the dark
Harnessing that fire
Gave Neanderthals a thrill
They could build a funeral pyre
And keep out the Ice Age chill

Down countless generations 
The flame remained intact
As in various locations 
Wood was splintered, split and stacked
By Maasai on the Kenyan Plains
In Uluru’s mystic glow
Cossacks on trans-Siberian trains
Burned braziers on the go

Modern cave men take their pleasure
in the aisles of B&Q
Seeking out a life of leisure
And a Webber barbecue
Or a heater forged in heavy steel
For lower temperature conditions
Which combines its radiant warming feel
With CO2 emissions

The impact on the ozone layer
Really is no joke
As every would-be arsonist 
Lights up and starts to smoke
With tartan rugs and fleeces
The evening’s plans are laid
In the event of gas releases
Someone call the Fire Brigade

Under teepees and gazebos
Acolytes gather through the night
For the charcoal fuelled placebos
Of fire pits burning bright
By the open grills stand soldiers 
Armed with skewers, knives and tongs
Laughing loudly, getting bolder
Shuffling sausages along 

Spare ribs bought at Tesco
Marinaded chops
Wagyu fillets seared al fresco
Hear the sizzles, cracks and pops
As the atmosphere gets thicker
Through fat scented fog
Is the planet getting sicker?
Just chuck on another log

And the ultimate ambition 
for our new Cro-Magnon man?
He’s on a pyrotechnic mission
Defying any smokeless ban
Hades calls, Valhalla beckons
With belly pork and chicken thighs
Gas or charcoal, what d’you reckon?
Safety goggles mask his eyes

The gazebo walls start sagging
Our host looks less than svelte
His spirits now are flagging
As the polyester melts
Belatedly he remembers 
The extinguisher, what a shame
It’s too late to douse the embers
Of the eternal flame.