As if any more proof were needed of the threat I pose to the existing world order, I received, by e-mail on Christmas Eve, a death threat. Honestly. No joke.

It came from The Black Shadow, a hired assassin who had been paid an “enormous sum of money” to expedite my demise. This surprised me as anyone could nudge me off my pushbike for nothing. They said that they had been following my every movement for the past 10 days, which caused me to wonder if our downstairs loo had been bugged, and that the originator of the contract was from among my close friends. Well, I have asked him and he laughed his socks off.

I take the threat sufficiently seriously that I shall follow his instruction to “not inform the FBI”. Instead, I shall be going under deep cover until I am satisfied my life is no longer in danger.

I realise this will be a sad occasion for you all but this may be the final masterpiece I shall post on this site.