Now gentlemen and ladies, could I just have your attention please,

I have a few things for you, if you’d kindly let me mention these...

I’ve linements, emulsions, compounds, antiseptic lotions,

I’ve got alkalis and acids; I’ve got anaesthetic potions,

There are tantalising tonics for your tonsil titilation

All are genuine, but please watch out for monstrous imitations.

Right here inside this bottle is the secret of eternal youth,

Effective either way it's for internal or external use;

Preventing symptoms of old age, you'll find it most expedient,

Developed by my granny with all natural ingredients;

She lived a life of vigor till a hundred and eleven when

Her hang glider was sucked into a seven forty seven engine,

Scattering her ashes over Derbyshire and Leicestershire;

She loved the shires, she'll rest in peace, of that we can all rest assured.

A spoonful every morning gives your joints a lubricating lift,

A spoonful in the evening helps your marital relationship.

It’s so much more effective than most any other remedies;

On winter nights take great delight in rubbing your extremeties;

You'll find your brain is capable of Euclidean geometry,

Pythagorean calculus and complex trigonometry.

Two drops upon your pillow in a manner that you might inhale

Its vapour – in the morning you’ll be singing like a nightingale.

Now you just might be thinking that it's going to cost you plenty - Did

you think I'd ask for twenty five? well I'm not asking twenty quid

Because I'm in the neighbourhood and simply don't know when or

Even if I’m coming back, I’ll let you have it for a tenner.