Sometimes daylight doesn’t kill the moon.
Furtive lips and fingertips
draw starsigns round your lifting hips
until, pulsing like a distant star
with a sudden shudder of despair
a hundred moonshards hit the air
and paint your skin in shattered galaxies.
Like mercury it runs
through lines of least resistance
the topography of
belly, hips and thigh,
a glistening mirror moon
singing to her sister in the sky.
Guilt hangs there…
….like the moon.
It was mercury the element...well spotted, de-capitalised now. It was a reference to 'fluids' always finding their own level through the topography...finding the quickest route down, the 'line of least resistance' until it pools...into a small 'moon' that mirrors the large moon in the sky. the idea of mercury was also reference to the colour and the effect that, as they warm up, most (all?) fluids run faster and faster. Mercury always seems to be a speedy little fluid...even though it is a metal.
I still think, as Isobel said, it's missing one more line now, I think I've edited it too hard and lost a certain degree of oblique reference to what the guilt was all about. I was trying to capture what I think the French refer to as 'post coital tristesse'.
Post coitum omne animal triste est —"After sexual intercourse every animal is sad".
...or something.
Glad you liked it.
:)
Jx
I have the benefit of only this version. It is really good. Are you referring to the planet or the mineral? Capitalisation implies the planet. What is the scientific background of 'lines of least resistance', since you use the reference so solidly?
Yep, liking this more now, minus the 'pouring' :) 'Runs' is much more like it ;) I do like the 'belly, hips and thigh' line - it's always 'belly' for me, NEVER 'tummy'. Tummy belongs to the realm of childhood, not adult female sexuality.
I think this reads beautifully now. Have you considered making this into something more...like a serialised thing, with other moments and episodes? I reckon that'd be dead interesting :)
I think you are missing something. You need something before the 'Guilt hangs there like the moon'. Something oblique but poignant.
Yes... I like this version even better. : )
I've tweaked it a bit (fnarr, fnarr) based on feedback...all of which was really helpful and considerate. Hope I've not ripped its heart out....I got rid of the moaning Greek chorus singing to the Moon...and left it to the imagination...also kicked out most of the 'scientific' bit...had to keep in 'topography'....you gotta leave the odd challenge in. Thank you everyone for your helpful input. I really mean that. You've been lovely.
Thanks
Jxxx
<Deleted User> (7164)
Mon 22nd Nov 2010 23:41
I think this is probably the best poem i've read of yours on here.
Some great lines and imagery.
Well done with the rhyming scheme too.x
I would agree with many of Laura's comments. There is some great imagery in here and I love the use of the moon to represent guilt and tie into the whole sexuality theme - even to its colour.
Like Laura, I wasn't sure about the geography through to topography bit. I liked the idea of the 'output' mirroring the moon and singing to its sister in the sky, though.
I also like the inclusion of guilt in the poem. It adds to the mood of the poem - without the guilt it is just any old shag - it doesn't have the same potency and foreboding.
I'm not sure about the 'what have we done, what have we done line' I think you could have placed something more subtle there which could have run into the 'Guilt hangs there...like the moon'
Howdy
So, this feels like a 'sister' companion to what I interpreted as a male orgasm.
I like the juxtaposition of the moon in this - as an actual daylight moon (helping to signify the affair/snatched opportunity in the daytime, which must be at the heart of this orgasm, or why the guilt), and as a signifier of the physicality of an orgasm.
Loving the whole moon concept actually - works great as an analogy to female sexuality anyway, linked as it is to the cycle.
The moonshards/shattered galaxies lines work brilliantly as analogies of what I would term 'gush' ;)
Am not so sure about the pouring through the geography of least resistance...perhaps it's the 'pouring' I'm not so fond of. I can see what you're getting at, but it seems a little...scientific? Maybe?
I wish there wasn't any guilt though - wasted bloody emotion that one is
Are you happy with this now John? I hope so. I think it's really good. Some of the images are beautiful indeed. The last three lines make it quite haunting, there's almost a sense of horror as if something like incest has taken place. Just my interpretation here. xx
Ooh... I really like this, John...
'draw starsigns'
'a hundred moonshards'
'to paint your skin in shattered galaxies'
No regrets though...
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winston plowes
Sun 5th Dec 2010 22:29
http://atlasobscura.com/place/calder-mercury-fountain-fundacio-joan-miro