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Mouth
mouth moves fast
speeding like a fast car
using more fuel than a burned out star
manic lips tattle splatter spilling from tanks
a vacuous hole words pass disgorged in motion
pull the zip fasten the button shut down the engine a necessary quiet
close the blabbering book
ooooooooooooooo
thanks for your feedback Cynthia, ive made the changes, yep I agree with you its gives it more strength...thankyou for that...I was trying to be creative with the shape of the text to create a moving image...hope it makes sense :)
I really like this, Rachael. It's punchy with some very clever diction making metaphor after metaphor but cleverly connected. IMO, it is a type of poem that would fly best without punctuation and in lower case font throughout. I would take out several short words that impede the strength of the images: 'speeding like', 'spilling from'; also 'Now it's...' and go straight for 'a vacuous hole'. I recited it twice aloud with these omissions and felt it was more impactive. But, that's me. I need help with the last two lines, if you're willing. I honestly don't 'get' the connection.
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Cynthia Buell Thomas
Tue 7th Dec 2010 10:37
Wow, this looks great on page too. It's really mod now. Lots of others on WOL should love this minimalist version. I hope they get to it. Don't be bothered if they don't; the shelf-life is pretty short for attention. 'No comments' doesn't mean it's not terrific.