(I thought Kipling could do with a chuck-on with his attempt)

If a man can play away without detection,

If a woman holds a map you know she’s lost;

If a man is lost he’ll never ask direction,

But cannot help but ask how much it cost.

If a shower of steaming shit from a skunk’ll

Make you smell much sweeter than a rose;

If my auntie had a prick she’d be my uncle;

If you’d fingers on your feet then they’d be toes.

Said Cloughie, “If The Game’s about the Long Ball

Then God would put the pitches in the sky”

When Osborne says, “We’re in this for the long haul”

If a politician’s mouth moves it’s a lie.