(some skipping on the audio)

 

On a cool Torquay evening three kids in the car

One sick just preceding, most of it on Ma;

We’d travelled down from Barnsley, argued all the way

My head was pounding from the constant shouting;

Just glad to end that day.

A sign by the highway was a godsend to me

“Vacancies for Full Board, Half Board, B & B”;

And there on the driveway a Mini blocked the way;

A voice came from Reception – I thought I heard it say,

“BASIL!  This is the hotel Fawlty Towers.

You’ll enjoy it here

Any time of year

On the Devon Riviere;

Welcome to the hotel Fawlty Towers;

Enjoy a tea and scone,

We’ve had Elton John’

(Where has Basil gone?)”

 

“Here’s our new Spanish waiter; he’ll show you the way;

He’s from Barcelona.”  But Manuel just said “Que?”

“Take them to Room 11, with those views of the bay.”

Manuel smiles motionless and simply he says “Que?”

So I called for Room Service, “Please bring us some wine”

A tall man brings Sanatogen “That’s £14.99”

The lady is still calling from down the passageway

“BASIL!  Where’s BASIL!? And then I heard him say,

“Welcome to the hotel Flowery Twats

He began his speech,

“Look across the beach

Herds of wildebeest.

When are you leaving the hotel Wolfy Rats

We don’t have a phone

There are towels on loan

Have you brought your own?”

 

“We welcome all races, the rich and the poor

We’ve even got some Germans in – just don’t mention the war.

And in the kitchen freezer a corpse is stiffly sat,

The salad here is Waldorf now that Manuel’s caught the rat.”

The last thing I remember (I swear it made me blanch)

The madman beating his Mini on the drive way with a branch

And stringing out behind him the hotel’s irate guests

And the voice again from Reception “BASIL! Sort this mess!”

So farewell to the hotel Watery Fowls

Where the food was duff

And the service rough

I think I’ve seen enough;

Farewell to the hotel Farty Owls

We’ll brave the snow and rain

And endure the pain

We won’t return again.