Traces of you
As I sit upon
This empty bed
White cotton frayed
From nights
That punctuate
This thin veneer
Of wakefulness
I look for traces of you.
Comments
It is good, I agree. IMO, with its capturing brevity, take out the word 'the' and the commas. 'From nights that punctuate' has a pushing-forward power diluted by 'from the nights that punctuate'. Small point, but worth considering; I found it a hard lesson myself - scrapping small words from prosy lines to poetry. And it doesn't always apply - just mostly.
And welcome to WOL. It's a great site.
great stuff. Poignant. It triggers a ream of questions. Well done.
Thank you, Tony. That's very kind
tony sheridan
Wed 3rd Apr 2013 08:17
Short yet powerful. Well done. Take care, Tony.
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Andy Ainsworth
Sat 13th Apr 2013 16:45
Thank you for the comment Cynthia. I absolutely agree with you. It sometimes takes another eye to see it. I'm going to amend it accordingly and repost.