She had that arched eyebrow,
a black eagle’s wing.
This eyebrow asked
what you are worth to her.
I liked that.
She said she was from the dark end of town,
that place where thievery smoulders
and street corners are plagued by crows.
None of that mattered.
I imagined that moment
after our first time in bed.
The weight of each other,
eye to eye,
catching breath,
and that eyebrow,
relaxed for the first time.
You've lost me on all the versions. I like the poem though. I like the way you always home in on something seemingly insignificant in a woman as a focus for her sensuality - I think you've done the same with freckles.
Arched eyebrows do say a lot about a woman - a) that's she's got time to pluck them and b) that she's got a high enough pain threshold. The lazy ones just hide them behind glasses ;)
For some reason I find myself wanting to change the tense in one line to 'what you were worth to her'
Lovely ending - it leaves lots to the imagination :)
John, a suggestion - would you consider:
She had that arched eyebrow
a black eagle's wing.
This eyebrow asked
what you are worth to her.
......
The weight of each other
catching breath
and that eyebrow
relaxed for the first time.
I have reread your poem several times, and finally decided that I would risk this comment. I find this directness very powerful. But it is just my opinion. I really like your work.
Changed. I do like the second version too. You're right Francine, the eyebrow remark does draw you in better. Thanks! x
After reading both several times - I like the second version better.
I prefer it because it draws you in from your description of noticing her eyebrow, which is an interesting, if not odd detail, to what you know/overheard and imagined of her.
xx
Still unsure as to which version works better. Below is the other with first stanza later in the poem.
She had that arched look to an eyebrow,
not used to prevent moisture,
but a black eagle’s wing.
This eyebrow asked questions of just
what you are worth to her.
I liked that.
She said she was from the dark end of town,
that place where thievery smoulders
and street corners are plagued by crows.
None of that mattered.
I imagined that moment
after our first time in bed.
The weight of each other,
eye to eye, catching breath,
and that eyebrow,
relaxed for the first time.
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John Togher
Tue 11th Jun 2013 13:12
Thanks Cynthia. Yes, that's more direct.Isobel, don't get me started on a finely shaped ankle.
There's the connection with the word 'supercilious' as well in the title.