My brother
called you back
from the edge
of death.
But you were
in so much
pain, and you
had suffered enough.
We said good bye,
My Mother, My Sister,
My Brother and I.
We held each
other and we
did cry.
The day that
you left us.
The day
that you died.
Heartfelt and simple Shirley.
If I was being picky I didn't like the "did" in "did cry". It always feels like a spacer to me.
On another level, if this is personal and recent, my condolences.
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M.C. Newberry
Wed 21st Aug 2013 15:36
Shirley - agree with JC about "did". It has a smack of "ye old English" about it. Difficult to replace - but keeping the overall deep feeling of the piece, I would have gone for something like..."and love saw us cry"...which also maintains "rhythm" in the words.
Best wishes,
MC