Our Gert went on ‘er holiwags Wi’ ‘er best mate called Jane

Two Girls Aloud to Egypt; It’s peace fo’ me again.

 

It’s egg n chips fo’ breakfast ‘N’ pie ‘n’ chips fo’ tea

You’re wond’rin’ 'bout me dinner - It’s fish ‘n’ chips fo’ me.

Of course I ‘ad a can or two; Wi’ breakfast it’s Long Life

Then pints o’ lager down the pub (You can, wi’out the wife).

I ‘ad, o’ course, a bet or two; Me ‘orses slow as frogs

The afternoons in Ladbrokes, The evenings at the dogs.

 

Then on that middle weekend I took a strange phone call

“We ‘ave your lovly wife wiz us Padlocked to ze wall.

If you want her back alive A ransom you will pay

A million pounds in cash to us; No police and no delay”.

 

This come, o’ course, as quite a shock; It made me miss a race

I failed to get me bet on - A tenner – win ‘n’ place.

Anyroad the days passed by Wi’ me at my wits end

I ‘adn’t got an ironed shirt; It drove me round the bend.

 

‘N’ then one day me mobile rang The bloody thing w’un’t stop

It ‘appened at the darts match I missed me double top.

“Do not play the hard football; It’s pointless to resist”

I to’d him though to bugger off. “I dun’t pay terrorists”

“You do not seem to onderstand (I to’d him that I did)

Your wife will die onless we get our Twenty thousand quid”

 

I wasn’t being bullied though Or falling for ‘is ploys

‘N’ anyway the cards wa dealt It’s poker wi’ the boys!

Well, this went on a week or two On one day ‘e rang twice

Wi’ greater desperation Each time ‘e’d drop ‘is price.

 

‘N’ then one day it rang again ‘is tone wa’ more subdued

“It’s gone on far too long my friend; We can’t keep her in food.

We can’t take any more of her Incessant yak, yak, yak

We’ll offer you a thousand quid Just come and take her back”