LIGHTS

 

Ante room. Empty. Eighties disco music and lights from offstage. A young lad bursts in, his mate clinging to his shoulders…The lad wears sunshades. He snatches the shades off and – holding them -  blinks about short-sightedly. His mate turns him round angrily.

 

MATE

Why didn`t you talk to her`?

 

LAD

I was talkin` me `ead off…she scooted.

 

MATE

`Cause you kept glarin` at her!

 

LAD

I couldn`t see her, could I.

(He shakes the shades)

 

MATE

I told you it`d be too dark for shades.

You look weird!

 

(The Lad takes a pair of really thick, ugly spectacles from his pocket and puts them on)

 

LAD

(sarcastically)

Oh, so I should`ve worn these?

 

MATE

At least you`d have seen them

 

LAD

Yeh , and them seen  me…wearin` these.

 

MATE

Alright then, The shades, but make some excuse

tell them your eyes are sore, look over the top,

but keep them talking… come on…

 

LAD

What do mean: `come on`? That was three-she

was the third one…number three.

 

MATE

But…!

 

LAD

Oh no you don`t  she was three, and we agreed:

If I don`t cop off after three you come with me

On friday…you promised.

 

MATE

But Friday`s desperate!

 

LAD

You`re reneging` Well, bloody `ell, meet my

mate, Derek, who makes promises to people

and then chickens out on them.

 

DEREK

But lonely hearts? Teen to bloody teen, datin`

by magazine…Charlie, the shame of it!

 

CHARLIE

What about the shame of the three knock - backs

that I`ve just had …The shame of life passin` us by?

 

DEREK

Speak for yourself...I don`t see life passin` me by.

 

CHARLIE

That`s `cause it`s not wearin` a football shirt…Well,

what are you then: a dirty, rotten, betrayin` liar…or

me mate…who`s comin` with me on Friday?

 

DEREK

What have I got to be there for anyway?

 

CHARLIE

I told you…for courage, for support, to hang about,

bump into us-by accident- turn up just in case I need

assistance…Look, are you comin`…yes…or no?

 

DEREK

This is bloody blackmail.

 

He gives in…They go.

 

 

 

SCENE TWO

 

 

LIGHTS

 

Charlie,  tarted up and holding a small box of chocolates, stands nervously at left-stage. Derek – poring into a teen magazine – comes in from stage right…over to him.

 

CHARLIE

Good, you`re here.

 

DEREK

Heart to heart : What  a load of crap.(quotes) `

`cuddly and  adorable`…`artistic`?

 

CHARLIE

What`s wrong with that?

 

DEREK

Yeah! Fat Freda…and Freddie…writes on bog walls.

But this is the best. Listen: `Vibrant Picean seeks a

starry partner…for celestial frolics`.

 

Charlie glares at him.

 

DEREK

(cont)

What sort of a no-hope farter put that in?

 

Charlie glares even harder, Then Derek realizes…His shocked lips mouth silently `you ?`.

 

CHARLIE

I`ve got to sell myself.

 

DEREK

But `celestial frolics!...vibrant!

 

There is a clacking sound off stage. Charlie pushes the dazed Derek over to the other side and returns to his station.

the clacking continues, as a blond girl in with a dark beret on her head and dressed in a short, shiny white, belted  mac totters, on impossible high heels, to the centre of the stage and looks forward. She wears sun glasses and looks like a refugee from the Allo Allo womens resistance group  She turns slowly towards the boys and looks first at Charlie and then at Derek. She totters over to face Derek who –paraysed- jut stares at her.

 

GIRL

(squeakily)

You`re Vibwant pithwean aren`t ya?

 

Derek remains silent.

 

GIRL

(cont.)

Iths me…Fun Luvin` fweda…Iths  me… gweat

thenth of humour…iths me.

 

 Charlie darts over and taps her on the back. She turns.

 

 

CHARLIE

Lokkin` for… `Vibrant Picean`?

 

She stares at him, turns and looks at DEREK again, then turns back to CHARLIE.

 

CHARLIE  (cont)              `Celestial Frolics`…it`s me?

 

She raises her glasses and gives him a slow look up and down. She turns and looks at DEREK then  turns again to Charlie, who grins at her stupidly She grimaces distastefully

 

GIRL

Oh, pith off !

 

She plonks her glasses back down, turns abruptly and – trying to look dignified – wobbles snootily off. The two men stare open-mouthed after her, then at each other. There is a pause. CHARLIE slumps down on the bench. DEREK joins him. CHARLIE absent-mindedly takes out a miniscule box of chocolates and offers DEREK one. Just as absently DEREK takes one. They sit, bent, each lost in his own thoughts. Eventually:

 

CHARLIE                         Teflon…that`s what I'm made of, girl-proof, non-stick, bloody Teflon.

 

 

 

This is a drastically shortened revision of the first two scenes

of  an old play I`m trying to turn into a studio-performance

thing. The intention is to introduce a Visually handicapped

(and romance-hungry) inexperienced youth embarking on a

Lonely hearts type impossible date with the help of his mate

who is a femalely indifferent soccer fanatic.Ultimately it`s

intended to be a `farce with a heart` so accurate teen detail

is not too important. (only that -  for plot reasons – it has to

be in the eighties)...(JUST SEEING WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE IN

PUBLIC. BACK TO THE POETRY NEXT)