It is my favorite holiday. The one I represent and that represents me. Valentines day. This is the first year in my 23 years of life of not celebrating the day of love. I guess you really need someone to share it with, whether it is a lover or even friends.

Usually I would feel heart-broken about being alone on V-day. But the truth is I don't feel much of anything anymore. And I did that to myself by choice. There is no pit of sadness, but also no reward.. in anything I do, I feel nothing. At work, I get such amazing comments on what i am doing, yet I feel no joy in knowing that I am talented or appreciated.

I feel nothing. And I chose this way of life because letting everything, every small thing get to me is why I was where I was. I was on a carousel, I had my highs and lows, but you always get off on the bottom. And now I am walking, no running through my life on a flat highway. With no joy and no sorrow. Is this life better for me?

Yes. Is it what I believe in?

No. I believe in love, and love is a wonderful thing that can have you singing in the shower, or covering your floor in snot-filled tissues. It is too extreme. And I can't deal with the mental instability. Depression scares me, I don't want it to come back, I feel I have the tools to fight it now. But this black heart of mine is losing touch with what I believe in.