Dr John Cooper Clarke, the Bard of Salford – and of seaside resorts in Essex, too, these days – has penned a poem in praise of the coast for the National Trust. His ode includes these lines: “A nice cuppa splosh and a round of toast / A cursory glance at the morning post / A pointless walk along the coast / That’s what floats my boat the most.”

Cooper Clarke has taken the title Dr after his honorary degree from Salford University, and while awaiting his almost-inevitable knighthood. In an interview with the Guardian’s travel section, which also includes features on San Franciscso, Burgundy, Norway and Malaga elsewhere, Cooper Clarke, who has lived in Essex for many years, extolls the delights of Clacton, Frinton, and Walton-on-the-Naze: “A lot of our holiday resorts are getting a really good revamp.” He adds: “I love Clacton and its jollity and what have you, but Frinton has this veneer of the riviera that’s beautiful. They’ve got a whole art deco corner that’s like a miniature Miami beach.”   

In the interview he also recalls his childhood and family holidays to Blackpool and Rhyl, and is less complimentary about north Wales than Essex: “North Wales felt like another world – because it wasn’t England. It was like a holiday abroad … in a slightly rainier land. Coming from Manchester that’s quite an accolade. It pissed down all the time.”  

Considering other British seaside drawbacks, he adds:  “In this country as soon as the weather gets nice, adult males start exposing their bodies. The horror, the horror. As for this beach body-ready idea, it doesn’t affect me because I can’t swim. I keep my trousers on so I’ve got nothing to worry about on that score.” 

PHOTOGRAPH: GREG FREEMAN  / WRITE OUT LOUD