Eric is an intern, yes he’s doing this for free
headset wrapped around hot ears
counting all the crates of beers
ripped jeans show his puny knee.

Backstage riders take the piss!
Clipboard says an item’s amiss
The schedule’s tight; he’s been up all night
Too late to get it to the concert site!

Budgets are exceeded; the helipad’s all booked
Dressing rooms are ready; just hope it’s overlooked
The promoter will go mad as the pressure takes its toll
'Cos it’s a long way to the shop, if you want an Arctic Roll!

Egos he will massage; these artists he must tame
Remind them they were unknown once and hungry for the fame
Eric likes those little bands, who will be big some day
They just eat fudge and humus and then get on and play.

But a taste for headline hunting always makes them grow
And soon they start to ask for stuff like “frozen H2O”?
Demands for herbal tea and room for meditation
“Give it to me now, or else it’s cancellation!”

“I want:

M&Ms but no brown ones
Skittles minus the purple ones
A large supply of surprise Kinder Eggs and
Playboy bunnies with really long legs...

Counsellors, oxygen and a lovely lady doctor
(in case my hip joint seizes with my foot upon a monitor)
Two bottles of Absinthe; some chewy Gummi Bears
Jugs of mountain spring water to wash my grapes and pears...

Air con, fluffy black towels and gentle ivory soaps
Fifty thousand live bees and permission to slaughter white goats
Bottles of brown mustard that must be VERY tasty
A good supply of bacon and a tube of KY Jelly.

Make sure you’ve got what I require
These songs should state what I desire:

A Big Cheese Burrito with a plate of Pork and Beans
Then Pour Some Sugar On Me Peaches and Cream
Poundcake, Hot Dog, slice of American Pie
Chop Suey, Curry Bun; and don’t ask me why
Finish with more Peaches, a Cake and Sodomy
Then slam me a Tequila, because it makes me happy.”

An extra side of barbeque ribs should help save Eric’s soul…

but,

“It’s the wrong tray of pork chops!  Now just get me Arctic Roll!”