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A mind as clear as a crystal wand
sends freckles of light, electric blue
flowing through fingertips.
Traces the outline ethereal,
to the soul of a distant friend.
Cools a port wine stain which flaws
the beauty of a pale complexion.
A lavender pomander inhales
the smokey residue from a snuffed out candle,
leaving just a vacant space between them.
As for 'crystal wand' , Janet: my first gut reaction was to make it specific with 'the crystal wand' since you are speaking of a definite accessory to the healing ritual, and propelling the reader headlong into your poem.
<Deleted User> (5646)
Fri 17th Jul 2009 10:51
Hi Anthony,
the reason i included the ''diamond'' and ''ice'' in my original post was to show a different image than the clichéd ''clear as crystal.''
To be completely honest. If i learned all the rules of writing poetry, i would stop writing altogether. Maybe i shouldn't be attempting poetry at all. I always seem to get something wrong and believe me when i say that is not a slight against your critique which really is welcome.
Maybe i should stick to story telling. I know i'm good at including imagery and injecting the right emotions for best effect.
Rules?
Seems to me that everyone is allowed to break the rules just so long as they've studied hard before-hand. I just cut out the middle man. :-)
Thanks for your insight and i'm sure it will help someone else too. That's what's good about this website.
Janet.x
Hi Janet,
Please don't stop including adjectives! Why shouldn't a poet use adjectives? I know the current trend in writing is to do away with the use of all adjectives/adverbs, but I can't say I've ever understood the reason for it. "Show not tell" is a good maxim, but that isn't always possible with the poetic form. For me it's not about not using adjectives/adverbs, but using the right ones, in the right context, in the right places. I think it's important to try to avoid cliched adjectives and to try to bring a fresh perspective to an image - unless you're doing it for a well-understood reason, but other than that, learn the rules - and then learn how to break them all!
Regards,
A.E.
<Deleted User> (5646)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 14:07
Ah yes, now i see. Thankyou Anthony.
I do have a tendency to include adjectives but i'm trying harder. It does appear stronger now with the changes.
Hi Janet,
I have considered what you say. The problem for me is that if that's the technical name for the object in question, then it has effectively three adjectives as qualifiers - diamond, ice and crystal. I don't think you would lose anything by dropping at least two of these terms. It seems to be, from what you say, a wand made from crystal. (and is probably neither diamond nor ice in reality.) Anyone familiar with the concept would know exactly what you meant simply by using crystal wand. You could still drop the "mind as clear" line, but then I suppose you dont get the idea that the "force" if you like is generated by a mind. Your poem - your call!
Regards,
A.E.
<Deleted User> (5646)
Thu 16th Jul 2009 13:36
Hi everyone and thanks for comments.
Shoeless- i have a few poems like this one but don't post them here often because they are not the kind of work i would ever perform or read at a gig. Glad it made you think though, i know you can relate to the content :-)
Isobel- i think you have the underlying theme worked out so thanks.
Anthony- yes i actually agree with you on the first line but the diamond ice crystal wand is a spiritual tool essential to the nature of natural healing. Would it be better used as a second line or perhaps ditch the first part ''a mind as clear as.'' ?
Look forward to your opinion and thoughts on it.
Hi Janet,
I enjoyed the mystery and intangibility of this. The only bit I found a little ungainly was the first line;
a diamond ice crystal wand"
I feel you are trying to do too much with this image and it seems clumsy - too descriptive and unnecessary. I would drop either of the metaphors to "clarify" it!
Regards,
A.E.
a good poem janet , i have never felt the vacant space .
i wouldnt ever have thought of writing a poem about this experience , you have made me think
You`ve got to think about this one Janet, but I like the flow of words, not sure if I`ve interpreted it correctly though!
Cate xx
I like this one Janet. It is not obvious but I would call it fathomable and very subtle.
thoughtful piece, Janet.. change in pace for you I felt after the last few I read but I like it!
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Jeff Dawson
Thu 13th Aug 2009 00:06
Come and heal me Janet!! Thought provoking nice little piece, poems not bad either Ha Jeff XX