SHUT DOWN

by ray pool

Thursday 8th September 2016 10:11 pm

At first Foxley felt a sense of unease

then rumours started

gossip mainly

the clever ones stoking up discontent

a feeling of doom pending

life's delicate balance changing.

Strange knowing looks

breathed intimations,

then other early signs

whole departments closing down

added pressure

diversionary tactics

bypassing overstretched functions.

Notices went up

shock waves unstoppable

and curtains drawn in the vicinity.

In the ward

Foxley awoke confused

aware of the catenary of tubes,

oxygen,

turned his head

all hope sunk into the bed

as his wife arrived

with the illusion of news.

Comments

Harry O'Neill

Sat 10th Sep 2016 10:42

Ray,
Thank goodness your figuration contained enough universality to prevent me making a complete ass of myself (only half an ass ?)

The likening of the shut down to body failing is a good metaphor (it was probably my own ancient bones that responded more to the oxygen and tubes).

On a personal note; When my own factory closed down all that stuff in your second stanza was happening and I was the only one who thought that the closure would never happen...My old workmates still think it was a good joke.

raypool

Fri 9th Sep 2016 19:27

Thanks for your interesting and full comments Harry. Just to explain, the idea was actually that a factory was closing down, and I coupled this with a body doing the same and then in hospital I thought that maybe the stress of being an employee and losing a job was too much for him! It shows how flexible a poem might be and you comparison of Foxley with slyness is a great idea, and I would applaud Jerry Atric if I was in the humour....

Cheers Ray

Harry O'Neill

Fri 9th Sep 2016 12:28

Ray,
For me, this is all in the name `Foxley`.

......I tried `naming` Foxley in a semi-identifiable way
and called him `Jerry Attric` in this way I could say that
the first stanza `metaphorized` his unease with all the
gossip about approaching old age.

In the second the impression his aging appearance has
on others, Bits of him beginning to close down, and the
physical shifts he was trying to counteract this in his
overstretched state.

The third - hospitalisation.

The fourth then sums it up. (I like the droopy chaininess of the tubular `catenary` and the illusion)

If `Foxley` slyly signifies the stealth of approaching old
age then it still `works` but doesn`t `clue` it universaly
enough for the reader.

(Okay, so `Jerry Attric` sounds a bit clumsy? ?)

(forgive the detail...it`s a good-un)

Stu Buck

Thu 8th Sep 2016 22:25

excellent ray, especially the last line. killer stuff. i am really enjoying where your work is going lately. its seems rash of someone so young to say this to someone with such experience in life, but for me your writing is getting better and better.

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SHUT DOWN

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