even under a microscope
snowflakes keep their magical shape
like charms cut from paper by smooth,
shaky hands during december.
if you are a snowflake i envy you
because i am trembling just below
the surface,
a ripple of pure light that burst forth
from god, has struck the morning dew
and now has no idea where to shine.
Love the final stanza.
A very 'picky' suggestion: would you consider removing 'powerful' from the first line? And using a simple word like 'keep'. I think moving straight to 'microscope' is totally adequate and leaves the lovely alliteration of 'microscope' and magical' unharnessed; and 'keep' supports a strong rhythm.
eg:
Even under a microscope
Snowflakes keep their magical shape
Always with respect. I hear you are coming to Sale, as a guest. I look forward to meeting you in person.
Excellent Stu. There is more to this than just the obvious
delicacy , a comparison with the fragility of our feelings and security, and a true sense of being out of kilter. Rather touching for me.
Ray
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Stu Buck
Thu 22nd Sep 2016 12:27
thanks both.
ray - im glad you picked up on the delicacy, i went with snowflakes because i love how they keep there shape but seem like they may dissolve at any moment.
cynthia - thanks. yes, i am coming to sale in april, it will be great to meet you. i always take suggestions on board with the respect they are given, and i agree, i prefer the way the two lines flow when changed. i have now changed them and feel it is a better piece, so thank you.