watching mad-pattern tangents converging
thick and sticking odd bits together
like bricks all mortared out of order
wide-awake alarm compounding tearing
holes in this flimsy filter--
this filmy membrane atop my head...
essence--like heat bending light--escaping...
Breathing the fog
that covers my mouth
like a mask,
I savor the sublime--
like slow-drip ether,
it electrifies my veins.
essence -- like heat bending -- escaping. This is what your poem conveys to me p- the ephemeral; dare I say the spiritual..
Wishing you a Happy New Year elP.
for me this is just one fabulous poem. I agree with Stu in that it would be good to hear it read out loud.
'Breathing the fog that covers my mouth like a mask'
marvellous
elPintor
Sat 7th Jan 2017 20:11
Thanks for getting back to me on that, Stu. I probably worry a little too much about semantics, truthfully. Though, I must admit that personal deliberation on the finer details is part of what draws me to writing. However, I can see where that kind of tweaking could make a piece very dry and dull. So, yes, I agree--the flow is ultimately what keeps the reader. You make a great point about the pace. It's such an odd thing that a writer's choice of words can have such a profound effect on the subconscious that tempo becomes innate to a piece.
I've never performed live. It sounds like fun and might even be good therapy to help get rid of self-consciousness. I remember getting performance anxiety so terrible once that my eyeballs were shaking--literally. I can laugh about it now, but I don't want to feel that sensation EVER again. Anyhow, it would have to get easier the more you do it--performing pieces aloud, I mean. Watching a performance would probably be a good start for me.
elP
i think it all depends on how the poem is going to be read, both in the mind of the reader or by the poet themselves. assonance provides a lovely flow live and that flow transfers to how one reads the piece in general. if its a block of text telling a story there is less need for assonance but if its something that needs to be rolled and spilled out down the page (and thus the mind of the reader) then its an important part of making it flow.
does that make sense?
in the case of this piece it really affects the way it is read. the words tumble down and provide the poem with a breathless quality that i think works well. it would sound very good live, perhaps as part of an overall larger piece. do you ever perform live?
elPintor
Sat 7th Jan 2017 00:37
Stu, you mention assonance and I must say that I usually stick with words that best fit personal expression. Though, for this piece, I consciously chose some (mortared vs the rejected word, stacked) for the way they sounded. I'm sometimes at a loss for which attribute (linguistic vs auditory) is of more importance...hope that makes sense.
And, Ray..thanks for the suggestion. We are forced into a physical existence..why should we confine our writing to it? Dali's works are a stretch of the imagination--an imagination that I don't doubt exists in many with no means of expression through language. Fuck the constructs of "poetry" (did I really say that?).
Thanks to the both of you for commenting.
elP
Beyond healthy analysis this stands alone in a sort of miasmic contemplation . Always intriguing in this frame of mind elP it could almost be a painting by Dhali. (Is that the right spelling?).
Ray
like this a lot. it has loads of lovely assonance and would probably sound very good read out at a fairly fast pace over some form of music. if only someone had a name for that kind of thing it might get popular.
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elPintor
Sun 8th Jan 2017 22:36
Hey, Martin..glad you enjoyed. I wrestled with some of the phrasing in this quite fitfully and that one in particular. So, I was really happy when that line popped up. I would like to try reading aloud..but I don't think I've ever even read any of my writing aloud when alone. It must be a great exercise for projecting one's voice.
Ephemeral is a great word, Suki, and it describes exactly what I wanted--transience. I can't say much about spirituality, but I do believe that we are greater than the sum of our parts--one reason why I highly doubt the ability of humans to artificially create another "being" like us. Surely, we are more than sentient series of synapses. I'll take a chance on being wrong about that any day. Thank you kindly, dear Sir..a happy new year to you too.
elP