These makeshift colonies
of boomtown tenements
and temporary residents
staked out by expeditions
surveying all the land
to claim for god king and state
a newly found and bountiful ground
that knows neither master nor plough
whose prerogative it is
to remind us at will
how earth does close the womb
and draws down the shroud
to claim all that was to her borne.
elPintor
Sat 28th Jan 2017 15:51
Thanks for the suggestion. I've been mulling it over since I saw your comment yesterday morning and I can't seem to find a way to switch it up without losing its meaning--two things, specifically. "Claim" seemed a somewhat formal word to ascribe to earth--maybe suggesting that "she" can play at the game of conquest to utter efficiency and show the ultimate futility of all human contrivance. And, two, the word "borne", a homonym suggesting that the inhabitants are foreigners with foreign ways rather than, naturally, of "her".
That's probably much more than most would read into it, I realize. But, that's how it felt as I was writing it. Please, if you have any further suggestions, don't hesitate. I really appreciate your feedback and the opportunity to discuss anything that doesn't quite work for a reader.
elP
Travis Brow
Fri 27th Jan 2017 07:26
elP, i agree with David when he says; 'you've hit a rich seam of work recently'
I like your suggestion that you 'become a channel for an idea'. I've been thinking a similar thought lately; that we don't so much get ideas, as ideas get us.
Dare i suggest you work a little on the final line of the poem?
elPintor
Wed 25th Jan 2017 19:12
Hello all, (my apologies for such a long response..I was feeling a little extra talkative.)
This started with a single phrase that came to me yesterday morning--"makeshift colonies". I had to concentrate on remembering it because I wanted to build upon it later. I considered taking it in a more personal direction. But, the phrasing came so naturally that it sort of built itself. Writing is best when it happens like that--when you can become a channel for an idea rather than struggle with piecing together something coherent.
I've been a fan of I&W for quite a while now, Laura, especially this song. And, I've loved this video since I first laid eyes on it. There is an earthiness and intensity that I thought very fitting to the piece--I'm glad you found it so, too, Colin. I'm trying to recall where, but I once heard flamenco described as one being rooted firmly with the earth while struggling to reconcile emotions stirred by the call of air and sky. But, even without such esoteric contemplation, I find it beautiful and strong.
I hope to be able to change and improve with practice, David. I see so many enviable examples written by others here on WoL, that I can't help but glean a tip or two to make my own better. As far as what you might see if you could look inside my mind, I couldn't tell you what you might find. It's a little cluttered, if you know what I mean...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HMCx7RmOb0w
I talked to a Chief once who described how he felt after cramming for an advancement exam. He said he felt like his brain was so full, that if anyone would've touched him, everything he learned might just fall out. That's how I feel sometimes--like thoughts are very fragile and very slippery to handle if you ever manage to coax them from hiding.
Thanks for reading and your kind comments, Colin, Laura, and David. I'm really glad that you all liked it.
elP
Love this and am a big fan of Iron and Wine but never seen that vid before ?
<Deleted User> (13762)
Wed 25th Jan 2017 08:23
utterly inspired elP - from title through to video you have blown me away in the epic sweep of this piece.
If you wish to post a comment you must login.
This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse, you are agreeing to our use of cookies.
Travis Brow
Fri 10th Mar 2017 06:37
Hello elP, sorry for the delay in responding. I make it a rule never to suggest explicit alterations, or propose one word should replace another; it's a cardinal sin in my view. I might suggest however that you could lose 'does' from the first line (last verse). I think 'close' and 'claim' work well alliteratively. If you're happy with it then that's all that matters really. If, though, you feel inclined to tinker, come back to it periodically; i do this with mine and sometimes i surprise myself by spotting obvious options that had hitherto remained invisible.