Child

by Hazel ettridge

Thursday 5th April 2018 10:34 am (first posted Saturday 13th May 2017 8:36 am)

You came out of nowhere

Like the first rays of the morning sun

In a vast empty sky

You filled my life with light.

At times the space between us

Filled with storms and

We had to hold on so tight

To avoid being swept apart

Even as we fought.

Once there came a freeze

Two icebergs bumping against each other

In the darkness of night

And we both turned away

Cold shouldered and silent,

But then came the thaw

The trickling joy of two melting hearts.

Then so many balmy days

When sunlight spread

From horizon you

To horizon me

And we knew the meaning of life

Without even asking the question.

And now that you have grown

Have children of your own

It's so good to know that,

If I look, I can always find you,

Somewhere in my sky.

Comments

Hazel ettridge

Sat 13th May 2017 20:53

I wasn't happy with the structure myself. Thanks for the comments. Love is simple, life is far more complex.

Frances Macaulay Forde

Sat 13th May 2017 13:40

This is a lovely observation of the relationship between parent and child.
I agree with Colin: but suggest multiple breaks.
Each stanza (if you were using punctuation, each would be a sentence) would allow the reader to take a breath and consider what they've just read; each expression/idea would stand more strongly on it's own.
May I suggest 4 lines for each stanza until the last, most powerful which would be 3 lines:

"You came out of nowhere

Like the first rays of the morning sun

In a vast empty sky

You filled my life with light"

or

"And we both turned away

Cold shouldered and silent

But then came the thaw

The trickling joy of two melting hearts"

The final, very memorable three lines speak for themselves:

"It's so good to know that,

If I look, I can always find you,

Somewhere in my sky."

Naturally, only a suggestion because I really enjoyed your poem, Hazel. ?

Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 13th May 2017 12:16

Sensitive, imaginative, and embracing all our lives. Very much enjoyed.

keith jeffries

Sat 13th May 2017 11:31

Hazel, This poem speaks of reconciliation after life´s many ups and downs. Beautifully written. I particularly liked the use of the word horizon. Thank you for this. Keith

Raj Ferds

Sat 13th May 2017 09:20

This couldn't have come at a better time Hazel. I can identify with this.
It touched a few familiar chords inside.
Rather endearing.

And what a finale:
If I look, I can always find you,
Somewhere in my sky.

Goes to show that the swings in our relationships have to be anticipated and celebrated.

Raj

<Deleted User> (13762)

Sat 13th May 2017 08:50

I think this is rather lovely Hazel but it needed a few reads through to familiarise myself with the construction. I wonder would it flow better for the reader if there were some line breaks or if it was divided up into stanzas? For example, one obvious break for me comes between 'Even as we fought' and 'Once there came a freeze'. Just a thought. All the best, Colin

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