All day long it rained,
the sky pouring down
making a martyr of the garden
and everywhere you looked
someone was shrugging
their shoulders or
bowing their heads,
even the giant alliums
stood like sorrowful saints
with nothing to offer
except the occasional nod
as if to say
I know, I know.
Tom, great poem. I especially like the line "making a martyr of the garden".
Paul
all, thank you some exceptionally kind comments here.
Cynthia thank you for taking the time to review in such detail. The poems come out quick so often grammar suffers as I find revision the difficult bit. I take your comments particularly on the first repetition of the two 'ing' words and think the change to 'poured' is better.
thanks again all
Tom,this is a great poem, very evocative, fabulous ending.
May I make a suggestion to a master of words? Your first three lines have two prime words which end in 'ing', always an iffy problem. Since 'poured' and 'rained' convey exactly the same idea, would you consider:
'All day long
the sky poured down
making a martyr of the garden' etc.
which would get the poem started with a slightly smoother flow. Also, it's always the pits using a singular or plural possessive with a pronoun
like 'someone'. TBH, I'd use 'people were' which doesn't take anything away from the poem, except dicey grammar.
Always with respect.
<Deleted User> (13762)
Fri 2nd Jun 2017 07:32
watching Springwatch and feeling sorry for rain drenched birds in nests. Nothing to do but sit it out. You build a picture so well.
Frances Macaulay Forde
Fri 2nd Jun 2017 03:28
Your visual language called to me again ~ I am literally standing in your garden looking at the Saintly Alliums!
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raypool
Sun 4th Jun 2017 16:18
When something simple and direct is expressed the way you have done it Tom my first reaction is always disbelief but there is no escaping the beauty of imagery and you have stolen my attention completely and improved my state of mind.
Ray