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Out of the Darkness (revised edition)

I love to practice with the Haiku form. This is my first attempt at  using a series to produce one poem. Not positive that it works as one, so advice and comments welcome but please go gently into my good night.

Thanks to everyone. I've edited and adjusted some of the lines.

 

Chiffon trails, blue sky.

Gun-metal smoke stains the rain,

chemical war-fare.

 

A whale's haunting cry

beneath oil-rigs' blackened sky

shoals of dolphins die.

 

Women of Ireland

dance around the sunlit hills,

bhodran beating loud.

 

I am a porpoise

gliding through emerald seas',

synchronicity.

 

◄ Stand and Deliver.

A Fiddlers Tale ►

Comments

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Nichola Burrows

Tue 13th Oct 2009 11:43

Janet, imagery is fantastic in this. Don't know what more to say (just catching up on reading all the poems, and everyone has said it for me - this really stands out), beautiful rhythm, well executed. Love it.

Nicky x

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Andy N

Sun 11th Oct 2009 22:10

beauitful, janet

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Francine

Sun 11th Oct 2009 15:09

Flows beautifully with some fantastic images of life in our world : )

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sun 11th Oct 2009 14:08

Changes are superb - top class. Sorry I missed the 'off' syllable count; I was dotting off on my fingers too. Great job. Be thrilled!.

<Deleted User> (5646)

Sun 11th Oct 2009 12:59

Done Steve, thanks for that.
I've really enjoyed writing this and the comments have been very helpful.

Janet.x

steve mellor

Sun 11th Oct 2009 12:56

Hi Janet
How about 'bhodran beating loud' as the final line for the 'Women of Ireland'
the bhodran (sort of Irish drum used in Irish folk music) beating as the heart of the Irish women, beating loud.
Otherwise, super duper

<Deleted User> (5646)

Sat 10th Oct 2009 23:58

Wow! thankyou so much to each of you, you very lovely people!
''Oil'' is one i have to admit i struggled with on the syllable count. Maybe it is my northwest upbringing but each time i counted, it fell on two syllables, just about. Is there any such thing as a syllable and a half?

Graham i agree with the 'and' 'of ' etc... and thanks for coming back to it for a second read.

Isobel, i love your idea and will take it on board.

Chris, someone else mentioned the third stanza away from the site. I'm still pondering that one.
Thanks for your lovely and encouraging comment.

Cynthia, thankyou for your wonderful insight and very kind words.

Interesting that Cynthia picked up on the music because Irish music was the inspiration for this.
Most probably the reason for my reluctance to omit it from the series.
I do have a few ideas as to improvement and to keep the imagery now.
I love this site! :-)

Janet.x

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Graham Sherwood

Sat 10th Oct 2009 22:07

Janet I have just realized that I didn't comment on the poem apart from its structure.
The imagery I thought was wonderful. The choice of words in places I thought poor. There were too many I's, ands, of's etc. They are a waste. When you think that one word synchronicity says so much, try to use strong words in future. Haiku is hard, good haiku is incredibly difficult.

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Isobel

Sat 10th Oct 2009 17:40

Perhaps you could just change it to 'beneath oil-rig blackened sky'. Hats off to you - it is so hard being confined to such a rigid structure.
x

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Graham Sherwood

Sat 10th Oct 2009 17:20

Hello Janet. Unless I'm mistaken your syllable count is out on some of the middle lines. They should be 5-7-5 shouldn't they?

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Cynthia Buell Thomas

Sat 10th Oct 2009 13:51

Janet, how terrific! Good haiku verses picking up different aspects of your main idea. The choice of words (diction) is imaginative and the music within the words flows along. Also for me, I enjoy that each verse could actually stand alone as a complete, engaging, provocative thought.

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