Half sunken bottles
Mix uneasily
With the first dying leaves of autumn
On the oily surface.
Canada geese
Swim gingerly
Around plastic bags menacing
The dark water.
Narrow boats
Slip gently
Into city centre moorings,
Not stopping for long.
Fish die.
Hi Steve, thanks for the read and comment.
I'm not sure about the extra stanza yet,but I'll have a think, thanks for the idea.
Alan Mc
steve mellor
Sat 24th Oct 2009 15:17
Hi Alan
I like the subject matter particularly and the 'fish die' ending, but I wondered whether this line would have had a little more bite at the end of a fourth stanza
Many thanks Gus, very much appreciated.
I'll look at your suggestion re "gingerly"
Alan
Superb Alan...he only word that grates a little is 'gingerly'
Good Writing
Gus
Like that a lot - thanks Cynthia
changed as suggested
Alan
Terrific - social subject matter, diction, music, line breaks. Really, really good.
I make one suggestion, very boldly. Consider just for a moment:
Canada geese
Swim gingerly
Around plastic bags menacing
The dark water.
Is it possibly tighter and stronger, with the 'short a' sound grinding along keeping the mood 'menacing'? Not one of your great words is changed.
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Jeff Dawson
Thu 12th Nov 2009 17:55
Hi Alan, great imagery cheers Jeff