Late at night lying on the white sheets of my bed,
My eyes started to ache and i felt a palpable break in my heart...
My eyes were dry for there were no tears left to shed
No walks of pride left to tread
No smiles left to embrace
For i was shattering inside, shred by shred..
I felt the shutter behind my eyes, making a loud noise,
The ink in my veins was rushing wildly, making my existence weak
My cracked lips started to scribble out words, words that made sense to no one but me...
Do u now see???
They told me that i was no one to question God's decisions and that i should embrace everything coming in my way,
But my rebellious heart does not have the audacity or the courage to accept things as they are...
I say if HE made me the way i am-questioning every detail- then why can't HE accept me the way i plan?
I say if HE planned to make me as stubborn and fragile and dumb, then why is HE now ashamed of what i have become??
I ask HIM now, was this all a show to u?
Making me up n seeing me fall apart piece by piece, broken and shattered too?
I now ask HIM if i was to be rejected afterall then why did u make me in the first place???
If i was supposed to be a joke for everyone to laugh at, why did YOU make me take so much space???
HE wants me to bend to his will and at the same time gives tears to my eyes n ache to my heart to question HIS answers...
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU!!!!!!!
Wasn't it supposed to be YOUR job to make me understand u??
I felt like i was shouting and pleading in a drunken bacchanal, everyone is seeing me and listening to me but no one truly understands...
Battered by cicumstances, i have been knocking on the asgard for so long, still no one is opening the door...
I was told that YOU were supposed to answer my question, why wouldn't u even let me in??!!!
I am tired n beat n completely out of control,
I thought we could run out of tears n again i was proven wrong...
My dry eyes again start to well up n a ball of tears clog my throat,
Suddenly all the words get blocked by the warm water rising up, suffocating me, making it even harder for me to breath...
The crisp white sheets of my bed become stained by the blood red tears dripping from my heart,
I am not saying,"WHY ME?"
I am saying, "WHY NOT ME???"
"Why can't I be one of those whom YOU love?"
"Why can't I be the one to whom YOU bestow ur blessings?"
"Why can't I be one of the good ones?"
"Why can't I control my mind diverting to the blasphemous thoughts?"
"Why can't it be me????"
"Why not me?"
YOU knew I was falling apart,
YOU knew I was breaking to parts,
YOU knew I was walking away,
From the secure feeling of being in your faith...
So now I ask, "Why did YOU let me go away?"
"Why did YOU distance yourself from me?"
"Am I that bad?"
"Am I the worst one YOU have yet made???!!"