Those celestial spheres are at it again.
Yes, it's February and time to burn off all those New Year's Resolutions that you vehemently swore you'd adhere to. And what better way to start than by believing the following mumbo jumbo...
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 19)
On the fifth of this month you will experience a blockage
Caused by too many eggs and not enough roughage
But the ninth will bring release, you’ll stop feeling all pushed-in
Be careful to avoid spontaneous human combustion!
Don’t worry, this all just down to the age
Of your digestive system
And Aquarius
Pisces (Feb 20 - Mar 20)
Improve on your diet, avoid wear and tear
Sort out your chakras, you’ve no energy to spare
Eat more fish and your health will not fail
Just chew on your gills, or your fins, or your tail
Just avoid the cloaca, you don’t want to go there
You’ve neglected your family while making your money
But your smarmy fobbing-off must come to an end
From the ninth you will spend much more time with your kin
That’s three weeks of shit-eating for you, my friend!
You really must balance that life/work blend.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Again the ninth looms large in the stars
And your professional life takes up all of your day
This may sound quite like the Aries prediction
But I can assure you that this horoscope is produced in a very professional way.
And some signs are just a bit like others, okay?
Gemini (May 22 - Jun 21)
Whoaa! The ninth is going to be a doozy!
There’ll be people’s lives changing all over the shop
It’s kicking off big time up there with the planets
And you’re going to party like you just can’t stop.
Of course, you will stop. Otherwise it will just be like a death-binge for a twelfth of the population and that can’t be good for the economy. Cancer (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Honestly, this ‘around the ninth’ business is getting on my tits!
It’s almost as though events don’t occur in starts and fits
But happen simultaneously, all on the same day
Cancer, you are in a state of withdrawal (that’s socially not alcoholically)
Until, yes, you’ve guessed it, the ninth. When apparently there’s going to be some sort of ‘cosmic push’, whatever that is. Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
There’s a lunar eclipse in your sign on the....well, you know when.
You’ve been a bit pushy. (I’ve never liked Leos. They’ve got this arrogance
that comes from being the coolest animal in the zodiac. But it’s all chance.)
Just back off. Chill out. Roll a funny fag and bliss out to some harsh tasty beats!
Count to ten.
Or something.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 23)
On the ninth you will feel extremely neglected,
Things will not happen which you had expected
and people’s lives will change
But yours will remain, boringly, the same. Libra (Sep 24 - Oct 23)
On the ninth a friend will need you around
It might well be Virgo, who’s feeling a bit down.
But this month you will feel like a child again
Resist the temptation, visit your case-worker, and remember you’ve still got three years to go before you come off the register.Scorpio (Oct 24 - Nov 22)
You will feel the need
To take lifestyle advice from
Japanese verse forms! Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
With your cookery skills highly rated
This month all your guests will be sated
You’ll feel ten-foot-tall
Till you die in a fall
That is kitchen appliance-related
(And it will probably happen around the ninth)
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
This month, Capricorns
with your little pointy horns
you will belie your goat-like physiology
by acting like sheep
and withdrawing all your savings on the ninth,
thereby buggering up the economy.
