O, to be in April now that England's here.
Don't blame it on sunshine, don't blame it on moonlight, don't blame it on good times, just say that saturn was entering capricorn and you saw red and those pedestrians had to be made to pay. And tell that stupid judge that it was all foretold in the ensuing...
Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 19)
Jupiter lights your professional side.
while Venus indicates love.
Mars looks after your wellbeing...
... so by the 17th you will be healthy, rich and famous;
subject, of course, to all
of my usual disclaimers.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
Compliments come thick and fast,
but home life is a bother.
Take it all with a pinch of salt
Or beat your significant other.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
Arians will be like April fools
– like Lot’s wife and his daughter –
so don’t go barging into things
like rams
to the slaughter.
Take time out to ponder things, like...
... typical bleeding Aries,
away with the bleeding fairies.
Taurus (Apr 21-May 21)
Que sera séri-
The future’s not yours to see.
You wanna leave that to me –
I know astrology.
Ho hum, that said, the moon
in your seventh house brings doubt,
and you will have trust issues;
I would too, in your shoes.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 21)
You’ve got that spring thing
Laissez-faire, chilled and laid back
In a word: lazy
Cancer (Jun 22 – Jul 22)
The colour blue will signal a romance.
Colleagues are impressed by your work
week-on-week.
You may like to think about finance, but
your family all think you’re a jerk,
and a geek.
Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
The pressure in March did you no good at all –
all those deadlines to get more things done.
But, all that hard work has paid off in the end
and, this month, you can sit on your hands.
I can’t believe I’ve written all April’s stars with
No allusions to Eliot’s Wasteland
Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 23)
Now’s the time to think about writing a will,
or to think how your loved ones will cope when you’re gone
and to brush up on your green cross code and you’re skills
at avoiding the ambush of large predators
like escaped alligators with huge gaping jaws
keeping looking behind you
and wear a stab vest
make no plans for after April 21
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
A bit of understanding
will help you sort things out.
Friends are instrumental
in helping with that problem
that you don’t talk about
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
This is your best month of the year -
It’s all going to go downhill from here.
If you’re plagued by vomiting and diarrhoea, -
Hell! You should see May to Decembeer!
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 22)
Listen to your heart this month and try to go on instinct.
But, keep a self of balance and try to be consistent,
put your feelings to one side and do as logic tell you
Side completely with one side; ignore other points of view.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 20)
Mars makes you tired but creative,
Venus brings the urge to go native
Paint yourself nude
Include bits that look rude
If you’re not feeling too vegetative
