(A re-post. With its provenance)

 

This was inspired by a colleague I worked with at the Coal Board who was a Colliery Personnel Manager.  One of his less enviable tasks was to make a home visit to break the news to the wives of miners who had had fatal accidents.  He made the most of a rotten job by shagging a number of them - “in sympathy” we would say.  He wasn’t without scruples, though; he married two or three of them.

 

I saw her sobbing; down her face mascara made a mess;

I’m not the kind of man that walks away;

I asked her out of sympathy the cause of her distress;

She said her puppy’d died just yesterday.

She thought me a good listener, compassionate and wise

But you can’t contain grief once you lift the lid;

And though she tried to hold it back the tears welled in her eyes;

I never meant to fuck her but I did.

 

And at my best mate’s funeral I stood respectfully,

His grieving widow, Mandy, leaning by;

My arm held round her shoulder as we hugged but I could see

The pain of loss within her watery eyes.

I told her that the Buddhists say that “What will be will be”

She did her best to keep her sorrow hid

But crumbled like a child when I said “Abide with me”

I never meant to fuck her but I did.

 

I watched the full performance with their candles, ping pong balls

The girls would show their skills so dextrously

My dander it was up and I was climbing up the walls

I thought I’d pay to take one home with me;

But Thailand is well known for this; men travel from afar;

I’d slipped the hostess nigh on fifty quid

But once my hand went to her crotch I found a half a bar

I never meant to fuck him but I did.

 

We met at Grab-a-Granny Night; they both pushed zimmer frames;

They grinned at me revealing toothless gums;

I first thought “No!”  but then I said “A dame is still a dame;

I wonder what they’d feel like round your plums”.

It’s with some shame I have to say I brought them from that dance

A secret I prefer to keep well hid

But once I caught a glimpse of what they kept within their pants

I never meant to fuck ‘em but I did.

 

So ladies and you gentlemen look kindly on my ways

And try to pay this tortured soul some slack;

But rather than in sheer disgust if on me you should gaze

Please overlook the social skills I lack;

In all life’s other aspects I behave impeccably

A gentleman and scholar through and through;

It’s just I have a weakness that’s requiring therapy

I never mean to fuck ‘em but I do