I heard her before I saw her

as is often the case with such things

the familiar, distinctive mewling voice from so long ago

Not hardened or roughened by the years

by the tears

by the frequent deluge of saline rivers flooding over the vocal chords

with every fresh wound

every heartache

every pain

every betrayal

that toughened my exterior

fortified and calcified my shields

None of that showed in the seductive sound of her voice

Ah, but years had passed, surely she felt them too

felt the aching gaping maw of loneliness

For she was as deep as the Mariana trench

Unplumbed and unexplored

beyond the first few layers

No one ever dared to

cared to

venture any further

Idiots, the lot of them.

Oh how I longed to explore every atom of her being

To touch every nook and cranny of her heart

To gorge myself on the glorious feast of her thoughts

To sate my ravenous appetite in the sensual delicacies of her emotions

To plunge headfirst into the devastatingly wondrous ocean of her soul

To drown in her depths

To merge with her on that deep, soul scorching level that leaves you at once breathless and buoyant, floating on cloud nine and drowning in ecstasy

To let her climb my walls and find the missing piece of herself that she left in my heart years ago

But her softly purring voice belied her pain

Caution ruled her

Timid wasn't in her vocabulary

save for one exception

Don't get too close

She is a feral cat

Beautiful, sensuous, dangerously seductive in her feminine feline grace

….from a distance

Though I longed with every fiber of my being to reach out to her, to touch her, to hold er, to confess my deepest long buried secrets in the early hours of morning when our brains wouldn't shut off and we talked until the sun rose in the east and we exuded more yawns than words

But I didn't

Not yet

I saw the claw marks on others who had tried – and failed – to tame the feral cat

Witnessed the tears pouring from their eyes just as the blood poured from their newly flayed flesh

No, this kitten wouldn't be caught or trapped

She needed to be seduced

So I laid out tempting morsels

with talk of hopes and dreams

fantasies and realities

I set out full seven course feasts

of understanding

of compassion

of intellectual delights

of sensual pleasures

of visceral satisfaction the likes of which threatened the auditory integrity of anyone within earshot

And I waited

I stood still, and I waited

for the feral cat to eat her fill each day

and come to me

Each day, she came a little bit closer

She circled, paced, often

her keen predatory eyes never losing sight of where I was

What I was doing

Assessing the potential threat I posed

to her lonely but hard-won independence

Weighing it against the reward

of having her needs met

her wants fulfilled

her wishes made reality

I waited

While she decided if it was worth the risk

And each day, she came closer

On Tuesday, she brushed her impossibly soft fur against my leg

A tease, before scampering off

On Wednesday, she tapped my hand with her paw

claws out but gentle

to get my attention

On Thursday, she bumped her head against my hand, wanting scritches

But only on her head

I dared to let my hand slide lower down her body, caressing over the silken fur of her back

And she bolted

with a parting swipe of her claws against my offending hand

That mark still stings

It throbs as a reminder each time I consider getting too close

before she's ready

On Friday, she curled up beside me, belly full and purring a happy tune, still watching my hand out of the corner of her eye every ready to bolt at the slightest hint of potentially offensive motion

On Saturday, I fell asleep on the porch swing

When I woke, she was there

Sleeping at my feet

I wept with joy, three words dancing on the tip of my tongue, threatening, begging, to fall off

to be said, to be heard

But I didn't dare move

And I didn't speak

I simply enjoyed the moment

After awhile, she laid her sleepy head against my ankle, and there she stayed til morning

On Sunday, she was gone

She'd been there, the treats I'd left for her were nibbled on

But she was gone

All day

She came back at dusk and reclaimed her spot at my feet

I smiled, and breathed a silent sigh of relief

I slept more peacefully than I had in months

On Monday, she stayed by my side

Never quite letting me pet her, but not bolting at the occasional semi-accidental contact

By Wednesday, she was letting me caress her silken fur and purring at my touch

Its Thursday now

The threat has left her eyes and she sleeps soundly each night at my feet

My feral cat

She will leap into my lap one of these days

and her mewling will take the form of the words that have been dancing on my lips for days

My sweet, beautiful feral

You do everything in your own time

and in your own way

For this, and a million other reasons

I love you