I Deserve To Know
I Deserve to Know
“I deserve to know why”
We hear it all the time
when something doesn't go their way
Its only human after all
to want that closure
How else can they grow?
Oh, but growing is the very last thing on their minds
Wait a minute
All this “they” business
It feels impersonal, and I need to get personal
Let's get real and spit some fucking truth
No, you want to argue
to plead your case
to convince me to stay
though you know I'm unhappy
you know because ive told you
a hundred different ways
on a hundred different days
months of unanswered unhappiness
unaddressed dissatisfaction
uncaring non-reaction
Isn't that what all that 'love' talk is about?
Wanting someone else's happiness over your own?
You don't know what love is
I think she missed that day in kindergarten
No, instead of being an adult
Instead of doing something – ANYTHING – to SHOW me
What you are so fond of saying every five fucking minutes
when there is a moment of silence because I can't think of anything else to say to you that I haven't said a hundred times already
When I am silent because I can't say what is on my mind
When I sigh
when I cough
when I take a breath you worry is too deep
“I love you!” loses its impact after awhile when its just empty words
It loses its impact when its not backed up
When its repeated so much it starts to sound unreal and weird
“I have nothing more to say to you and we have nothing in common and I know you're unhappy, but I love you!”
Uh huh
And I said it back because
Well
You sort of have to
because not saying it
would be an insta-fight
Not saying it is like pouring gasoline on the barely simmering fire that is just waiting to explode between us
and not the good kind of fire
No, this is the kind of fire that destroys entire towns
The kind of fire that rages and burns unchecked and unhindered through miles and miles of forest and city alike, destroying everything in its path and leaving behind ash and death and pain
But new growth flourishes in that ash, did you know?
So maybe it wouldn't be so bad
if I didn't say it back
Maybe it would let me grow and flourish, like a phoenix, rising from the ashes
Because I am dead in the water here
floating face down, bloated and stagnant and starting to putrify into something – someone – ugly and abhorrent
I don't want that
You don't want that
So let go
Release your talons, unhinge your jaws, retract your claws, open the trap door and let me go
“I deserve to know why”
No, you don't
Nor do you want to
Still, you demand
Do you really want to know?
Here comes that ugly, abhorrent side of me that I never wanted to escape
That part of my father that exists in me, hidden away far below the surface, buried deep – most of the time
Congratulations on unearthing that zombie
Now it can feast on your pain
I sharpen the knives, and get to work carving out what's left of me in your heart,
precise cuts at first, but your angry, idiotic, masochistic demanding makes them wider and more ragged until the mess that's left of your heart is hardly worth salvaging at all by the time i'm done
The blades each have names, and there is quite a collection
Let me introduce you
One by one
I'll show you what kind of damage they can do
This first blade is named you're insecurities drove me clinically insane, and they will never be healed because most of them are true.
It slices cleanly through your aorta
Are you done yet? No? Okay...
The second blade is a doozy..it likes to stab repeatedly and poke holes in every chamber of your heart.
You are a masochistic self deluded psychotic bitch who, when things go well, makes shit up in her fucked up brain and starts a fight over nothing at all
But not just any fight
No, because you can't be a FUCKING adult and actually TALK about your feelings
No, instead you say “I'm fine” repeatedly, though we both knew it was a lie, and go to bed sullen. Then post some fucked up shit on facebook that causes me to text you a WTAF? Text and results in a four hour argument in text because you refuse to get in voice
Why? Because its easier to accuse me of meaning something that agrees with your delusion if you can't hear my words
God forbid I actually put your fears to rest so we can get some sleep
Still not done with the punishment? Still craving more? Still wanting to know why?
Let's call this blade dull. Because it is. And so are you. There is no sharpness to either of you. No zest for life. No curiosity. No desire to grow and experience new things. But see, dull blades can still do quite a bit of damage.
Are you done now? Do you want to know more?
Or are you ready to let me go
And move the fuck on with your life
Oh, I know it hurts
Go ahead and vent
Call me a 39 year old cheating cunt fat ass cow whore with nothing
Call me a selfish coward
Call me whatever the fuck you want
I'm not listening anymore
I'm leaving
I've moved on.
I wish you happiness.
I wish you didn't think you deserved to know.
Wasn't it easier at “I'm not happy”?
