You can keep your Monte Carlo

your islands of celebrity.

Give me Haven Holidays

a blissful week at Allhallows on Sea.

 

You can keep your crab and langoustines

by candlelight in harbour bars.

Give me whelks, cockles,

a plate of mussels,

chips and a bowl of Haagen Daas.

 

You can keep your romantic settings,

tropical playgrounds under palms.

Give me a mist on the estuary,

a couple of pints at the Sailor's Arms.

 

At Allhallows on Sea, you can't catch a train,

the Orient Express is nowhere in sight.

But stone containers go right past

to the terminal on the Isle of Grain.

 

There's cabaret with the Haven Girls,

karaoke in the bars at night.

and a soap star comes just once a year

who starred in panto, been on Strictly,

his fandangos are out of sight.

 

You can see the stubs where they planned a pier,

for twenty P you can see the sea

through eye level glasses over to Sheppey,

and scruffy people who watch for birds,

others with dogs picking up turds.

 

You can keep your James Bond type casino,

there's a corner shop selling scratchcards and Beano.

Vapes and ciggies, there's workers with vans,

less hassle than a trip to Cannes.

 

I know it's not the Costa Wotsit,

but it's cheap to get there

and cheap to stay,

and you never feel far from Canary Wharf,

much better than Montego Bay.