I have this indescribable need to be heard,

like I’ve never whispered a single word over the course of my life,

like I’ve never uttered an incoherent syllable under the light of the dying sun,

like I’ve never looked into the eyes of another and truly felt seen. 

Am I alone? 

Am I floating here, lost in the waves of a turbulent sea,

waiting for a lifeboat that will never...

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The feeling comes gnawing, gnashing, crashing into me from within, a reminder of the things I lack, the things I could have been.

The thought of failure torments me, slashing, stabbing, holding onto my heart, a reminder of those who always thought that I was just playing an imaginary part.

The pain comes sharply, sneakily, forcing my mind into behaving, a reminder of the moments I have lost ...

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Cry me black and blue

     And black and blue 

          And crimson tears will fall.

     Break apart this wanton fret

That consumes us all.

     Broke into my heart again

          To build a crumbled wall

     While I waste internally

Replaying what I saw.

Cry me black and blue

     And black and blue

          And scarlet veins will die,

     So strain ...

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Young mum with a stroller 

A double rum and cola 

Take away that edginess 

Nervous twitching 

Wait

I know her

There's the hooded lady

Smoking looking hazy 

Magic yeah she's crazy 

Wait 

wise woman

Don't go there 

Off she goes now spending 

Glamour life pretending 

Don't decline still pending 

This hoarding never ending

Freeze 

The build up to the ...

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I was once a dancing flame but I forgot how to dance so I mimicked others until one day... pft.

I am unable to see myself burning out untill I spit, clinging to the bitter end of the wick.

At first, I am a soldier, fighting because I know the end is coming.

At the end is a void. Nothing in it and nothing can fill it. Nothing matters.

DESPERATION. Pouring everything and anything into th...

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Nuts 

Sometimes

Bolts 

Maybe 

Screws or

Long nails.

Metric 

Or standard 

Eventually they will all rust and fail.  

American rides &

Forgein whips 

Sounding their mating call 

Rotary 

Not 

Piston,

“What you mean my man? 

Those zippy things have it all”

“Don’t you wana see me, as I Race to  understand? 

On how to treat a woman. 

Even though I ...

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The only blade I fear is the one that I wield
A single stroke and my fate is sealed
Hold up false hope, impotent shield
Casually spread my bones in untilled fields
Digging in my heels,
  it feels like I'm losing you
Digging out six square,
  soul bruising blue
Brick slit bullshit, courtyard contortions, fountains of weeds
Walking in ovals, squares
Blackboard becomes the backboard of your...

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Feeling good
Running around
Catch up on
What’s run into the ground.

So much to do
So far behind
Laundry, yard work
Constantly on the grind.

But fear comes
Banging on my door
Is this real,
Will I plummet to the floor?

Exhausted already
Pushing too hard?
Will I be ok,
Can I let down my guard?

Or is this already
The end of my rope?
I thought I’d healed
And could hold onto h...

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This is not a phase,

As they all said. 

They told me my emotions are strong,

So I tried to keep them hid. 

Anger rises in me

As I,

 overflow and boil. 

Sadness overwhelms me, 

As I tremble and burrow. 

Happiness is rare,

Almost like,

 seeing an old friend. 

Timid and distraught, 

Cautious of all men. 

Never did I think I could be t...

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Where’s The Sun?

I used to orgasm imagining i was running to-

The sun.

To reach climax for the relief was spiritual

Sex for me has remained-

Emotional.

Now it’s perverse and sexual.

So, I hide inside-

The dark of the night

And only come out when the moon says

You’re safe now.

He has my best interests in his heart filled with craters

Other women scarred with play...

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Up swings
Low swings
Irritable swings
Whenever the bell rings.
Time to change so soon?
Oh thankyou for the gloom
Its not like I needed mental room
I'll just listen to your tune.
Is it time for bed,
Or are you not done yet?
This endless strain of thoughts
Feeling like I'm making a case In front of the courts
Barely awake, but barely conscious?
You'll wish you'd had your bedroom blessed
...

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Would you believe me

If I told you the truth

Would you stay with me,

Or would you just leave?

Would you still feel 

The way that you do

If you saw me kneel

Before the demons so cruel?

I tried to escape

But it fell right through

It was never fate

What should I do?

I didn't mean to fail 

I did choose you

But the monsters fight

Harder than I'm able to

I...

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We were born sick
But we adore it,
Nothing compares.
Living on the edge,
The dual extremes
in which we thrive,
are eating us alive.
Devouring our souls,
Ripping us apart,
Yet wholesome we feel
With our demons so close,
Sat upon our shoulder
Whispering to us, sins..
Orders upon orders
to which we must follow.

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the weather sucks today

the sun rose sultry grey

it’s supposed to be sunny tomorrow

and i love the orange sun rays

and i hate the rain’s tears

on frosted window glass

smiling shy though the clouds,

shining bright blue sky between its teeth

trapping me in a black stone prison,

its suffocating grey walls

freeing me from misconceptions

made be...

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Beige walls stand empty where original artworks once hung
A woman, beyond her years in mind and body, sits at her desk
Staring at a screen that, despite vast knowledge at her fingertips
Is empty
The cloud of cognizance that enveloped her has cleared
Ridiculed by those she trusted
"Over medicated"
No more pills
No more gange
Nothing to help control the demons within her mind
There is no f...

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With each and every prose I think of new things to outpour onto this page. Ideas and feelings flow through me, conflicting, and most of the time I am ok.

I've been sober since then; nothing helps this anymore. Every day starts out slow, in a haze, then I feel ok and content and myself for a few hours. Once noon rolls around, my heart hurts, my stomach turns, my head spins, and I leave class to ...

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Cast Aside

A woman cries for now she knows

Her love is unconditional

Weeping at the empty kitchen table

One, two, three in the morning

None are awake but her

Right hand reaches out to air

She wails

“There was no choice to make!”

Yet she always knew, in some way

Either too much to handle

Or not enough

But always cast aside

Anger will not manifest

Her l...

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Little girl in the spotty frock, 

Did she love you then or not?

What did you do to make it change?

Why were you so very strange?

Why did you not do as you're told? 

Always needed an extra scold. 

Never behaved at home or school,

Always the one who acts the fool. 

Never able to conform,

Always the one full of scorn.

Still the girl in the spotty frock?

Does...

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What is a disability?

Is it there for all to see? 

Do they look a little special,

Or just a bit like me. 

Maybe there is a wheel chair,

Crutches or a splint.

What about the eye patch?

Is there just a little hint?

What about that limp he has?

Or the crooked looking stance?

Some just look so ordinary.

They can even dance.

Some they think imagine it,

disabi...

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I slip one in my mouth,

It melts. 

Delicious. 

I lick strawberry lips.

Kissed by magic.

It takes away my pain,

Senses numbed. 

Nothing seems to matter. 

Apathy takes a hold. 

25mg maximum dose.

Is it working?

I have no clue.

I have lost my inner self. 

I don't want to feel the pain,

But without it there's no escape. 

I want to taste the rainbow,

To r...

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Knock knock...
It's the door.
Don't come to the house,
Invasion not wanted!
Heart pounding, 
Shaking chest.
Discussion not needed.
Privacy counts. 
Sweating palms,
beaten brow.

Knock knock...
It's the door. 
Keep away 
allow freedom.
Blind with panic
Screams deathly quiet.
No need for checking on.
Perfectly capable self.

Knock knock...
It's the door.
Tension of a coiled spr...

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There are challenges we face that others don't see,

may never experience, never understand.

Invisible mountains we climb alone,

oceans we swim feeling out of our depth.

But we do it. We fight it. We beat it.

Mental health recovery is a journey,

a destination that requires focus, bravery and time.

For all those who face it every day...

believe.

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Death brings us closer #25

The only connection I truly had with this young man was the darkness that beholds us both,

He could speak with such talent and such words, you would think it was a bible oath,

This young, charming and daring man was a fighter,

However, all fights but come to an end,

In his case, it was the end, however, I will remember this, and I will defend,

Defe...

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The reaper has come to pay me another visit,

I thought it was the last time we will see each other again for a long time as I thought I was feeling fine.

But I was a fool to think this, I asked him what crime have I committed?

Death laughs at me, he asks me, why do you think you have done something wrong to see me,

I paused and thought he was playing a game,

He likes doing this, as ...

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For 4 years now, I have been dormant,

Not through choice, along this way, I have lost my voice,

Through a dead romance that has extended its warranty,

I need to end this, as if I don’t, I will never be able to get to my wish,

The needing of  feeling free,

The reason why I used to love being me,

I used to make people laugh,

I would act rather daft,

Silly, unpredictable, risk...

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I sometimes wonder where I would be if I didn’t have that voice inside me,

Telling me I should give up, I’m not worth it, I’m ugly, stupid & fat,

That voice inside me screaming at me, making me feel I have to see the local quack.

The screams get louder and louder, while I become weaker & weaker,

However, what that voice don’t know, is I get more eager,

Eager to win the bat...

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I feel trapped inside a cage,

The longer I am in this, I feel the rage,

It builds and builds without any time for notice,

It will become too late to know what I am heading for,

When its unleashed it will become known to everyone making everyone feeling sore.

When this mad and manic phase comes,

It will be too late for the innocence’s,

When I am manic, ...

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I wear a mask every day of my life,

It causes me pain & stress,

It makes my life such a chaotic mess,

I wish this mask would lift,

However, nevertheless, it’s a part of me.

I wear the mask of lies,

There are so many things in my life, that I am in denial to myself,

I wear this mask, it causes me to feel torn,

My eyes are broken,

They make me see such things like a u...

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Sat here waiting
Stupid posters on the wall
Like knowing 1/4 matters
Mental health for all. 

The chairs are stained and dirty,
Water fountain broke,
Magazines outdated.
Even leaflets on a stroke. 

The receptionist she mumbles,
Or is it the glass screen,
Protects her from the patients, 
Ring bells - they are unclean.

Mental or a leper,
It really doesn't matter.
You're all in thi...

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How can I explain to you,
A sunset through dead trees?
Yet,
You want my symptoms 
Explained to you
In words.

If I could see red,
And you only grey,
How could I explain vibrancy?
You call it mania.
Sir, 
You don't understand.

You say
"Everyone gets anxious"
But I think you mean "nervous"?
I feel like
It'd be more treatable
By modern medicine,
If it happened to
Rich
White
Me...

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Sitting in a plastic chair,
Waiting for a person
To tell me
If I can afford
This month

How did I
Get here?
I had dreams.
I had goals. 
And so did
Everyone in this room.

The wait
Kills
The screams of bored children
Pop my peace
And I wonder
Why?
It's a simple enough question.

Why me?
Why here? 
Why now?
God,
I suppose. 
His laughter feels
Like nails
Pounded into nails...

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War is waged
With soldiers
But mostly money.
Isn't that
What old men
With both
Say?

I fight the World War of my life,
And yet,
And Yet.
I see neither approach 
On the horizon 
And I wonder
How long
I'll keep looking.

Your promises mean nothing,
Because that
Is what I've got
To show for them.

I implore,
Don't get my hopes up
Again this time.
Say "no" if you want.
Accord...

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Ask for help,
They say
With quiet judgmental rebuke
So I ask
And then I plead
And deafness
Greets his friend
Stagnation.

Today
Means tomorrow.
Tomorrow,
Next week.
I have yet to see
What
"Within the year"
Means,
And it's been Two.

Each letter,
A careful trapeze,
Am I too sick?
Not sick enough?
The war waged on 
In my body.
They promised me
Soldiers
"Within the year."

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