parody (Remove filter)
Once upon a time in a vest
There’s a shoot-out on the bowling green
The pianola’s full of holes
The Man with No Name’s
Got a Zimmer frame
And a tray of sausage rolls
He’s a High Plains drifter
Not from round here
The strong and silent type
Got a dance partner, can’t lift her
They practice moves on Skype
At the monthly hoedown
At the nursing home
He wears a felt ten-gallon hat
It’s ...
Wednesday 22nd November 2023 6:19 pm
Urinal View
It is our extreme pleasure
To cast open our doors for you
And present for your lifestyle and leisure
The incomparable Urinal View
Imagine yourself on summer days
On your balcony facing the strand
Absorbing ultraviolet rays
Where the lavatories stand
Twenty-two exclusive apartments
Designed for the fortunate few
With an open Northerly aspect
Overhanging the public l...
Sunday 19th November 2023 4:18 pm
Somewhere close to Westminster Bridge, October 2023, lines written on hearing of a new presenter on GB News.
Earth has not anything to show more shit
Mad would she be of soul who could watch it
A sight so tragic, such a travesty
This chancer now doth, like a varmint wear
The mask of a presenter, barefaced stare
Scandal, pandemic, the litany of lies
Indifferent, callous, let bodies pile high
Wittering trivia to the poisoned air
Never did one so manifestly seep
Self important ...
Saturday 28th October 2023 9:10 am
The Charge of the Light Ale’rs (apologises to Tennyson)
Half a lager, half a larger,
Half a larger. Onward
into their bellies so fast.
Poured the six punters.
"Four more light ales they craved!"
“Charge a large gin!" he said.
Into their bellies in haste
Poured the six punters.
"Four more light ales !" They craved
Err, were men so ale'd?
Not though the barman knew
Someone overcharged.
Not them to make amends...
Friday 19th August 2022 9:15 am
My Cat Daisy
My cat Daisy is the baddest cat around,
She'll attack you so quick without making a sound,
She'll turn you face into a scratching post,
Take a shit then lay on the remote,
You will just think it went missing,
Ask her and she'll pretend she's not listening,
And that's my cat Daisy,
She's fuckin' crazy,
Sick and twisted maybe,
Low key though she's a crybaby,
A...
Thursday 2nd December 2021 7:11 pm
They Be The Worst (Apologies to Mr. L.)
They fuck you up, these brexit turds,
it's what they're born to, that's their rôle;
they fill you with their empty words
much as they shit into your soul.
Of course, they've heard it all before,
from parents - and grandparents too:
"compassion's out! You must abhor
those migrants, or they'll overrun you."
Racists perpetuate themselves
and make others like them,...
Tuesday 9th July 2019 9:25 am
Ogden Nash rewrites Andrew Marvell's "To His Coy Mistress"
If we could live together without death's arrival as an inevitable inbetweener,
Your coyness would not be a misdemeanour.
We'd spend all eternity discussing each angle afresh,
And you'd probably go looking for rubies beside a river in Bangladesh,
Whereas I'd predictably end up somewhere really dull
Like Hull.
My love for you would continue to grow throughout this experience,
As slowly as ...
Wednesday 20th June 2018 3:12 pm
Parody of Achy Breaky Heart
Don't tell my leg
My Achy Breaky leg
I just don't think
I could stand.
And if you tell
my leg my
Achy Breaky leg
I might just fall
and break
My hand,
OOOH!
Friday 14th July 2017 4:19 am
Writing poetry is harder than you think
Roses are red.
Violets are ... not red.
Hibiscus are sneaky little rascals that only bloom during that weekend when you're away visiting your parents because they still pay your bills.
I hate flowers.
Thursday 18th February 2016 11:08 pm
CORRIE AND JOHN (after Joan Hunter Dunn)
Miss Corfield, Miss Corfield, we’re destined as one
You a wood nymph, I a woodworkers son.
We both vibrate airwaves of Radio 4
You live and vivacious! I dead as a door.
With nasal enhancement and vamp-throated quirk
You take mundane news and you set it to work
Stirring old men, from straw hat to galoshes
Till backward and forth, my sawdust-blood slo...
Wednesday 30th October 2013 1:28 pm
DARK SIDE
The Moon feels naught in futile circling
far off in bland acceptance of our plight;
while in that feeble light we half-blind stray
to situations shunned in light of day.
Her beams afford us sight attenuate
allowing indiscretions - thought and deed
and poets then, that cold dead orb invest
with subtle attributes no whit possessed.
As folly nightl...
Friday 25th October 2013 12:01 pm
RAGE OF INNOCENCE (All due respect to Dylan Thomas)
Do not go easy into that cruel plight,
Life-latency should, combination, stay;
Rage, rage against the prying of the light.
Though cells, prior to conjoin, accrue no right,
Un-right usurped un-bid, entreats that they
Do not go easy into that cruel plight.
Wild sperm who caught and shot the ovum’s flight,
And learned too late, now grieving on your ...
Tuesday 22nd October 2013 2:07 pm
Workshopping Seamus
(To be read in Heaney’s ‘reading voice’.)
My chisel’s cold appraisal
Blunt as an English Master’s stare
Probes the poem for its pith.
Non sequiturs stacked neatly
Drying in a metaphoric sun
Supported by a splay of beams.
Redundancy is everywhere
Making the poet poorer than Midas
Who dare not spend a penny
Lest the golden flow shoul...
Tuesday 22nd October 2013 10:34 am
Roses - NaPoWriMo Day 10
Roses are dead,
they smell like Le Pew.
But they still smell sweet
compared to you.
Roses are dead,
now you feel blue.
So take a shot neat,
and uncork the screw.
Roses are dead,
our hopes are too.
You were a cheat,
but I was too.
Thursday 11th April 2013 5:26 pm
Stations
(after A. A. Milne, "I often wish I were a King")
I'm often lost in ruminations
On what I'd do if stuck at stations.
If I were stuck at HARRINGAY,
I'd pitch a tent and ask to stay.
If I were stuck at STEVENAGE,
I'd build a campfire, on the bridge.
If I were stuck at FINSBURY PARK,
I'd dance around it, in the dark.
If I were stuck at MORROWGATE, (*)
I'd phone a...
Saturday 10th March 2012 1:26 pm
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