Soft Mick phoned Mr Putin

In Yalta on his holidays

“I’ll give you twenty quid

For your obsolete technology”

Vlad said “Now listen, sunshine,

I don’t want any trouble

So if you can provide the van

We’ll call it fifty roubles.”

Mick drove to Nizhny-Novgorod

And filled a Lada’s boot

With mangled scraps of Mir

And moth-eaten spacesuits.

He had noth...

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We might evolve into a species

With wires from our ears

So we don’t have to listen

To other people’s noise

Now every man’s an island

And everyone’s divine

Cos we can disassociate ourselves

And live in Dreamtime

This isn’t really happening

We can block reality

Put your plugs in your lugs

And live in MTV

And if the conversation’s boring

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This is a children's poem for a change. Please indulge me. I wrote it while I was working as a postman.

Tom interrupted a marbles match

To tell his mates the news

It was a proper tense one too

For a beaut and some big-eye blues

“You best come quick” he breathless said

Interrupting Billy’s turn

“The whole estate’s infested with

The dreaded Pink Ring Worm!”

They left...

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Rules were made for breaking

I want to break them with you

History was made for making

I want to make it with you

Risks were made for taking

I want to take them with you

The Earth was made for shaking

I want to shake it with you

I’ll be your knight on a penny farthing

You be my damsel in a sequined dress

We’ll ride away on a sunken highway

Broke...

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I go winding cleaners

When they don’t do their job

If I’m not pleased with what they’ve done

I smack them in the gob

Now it’s a job that just suits me

A cleaner winder you would be

And a sadist just like me

When I’m winding cleaners

I check the glass for greasy smears

Then pull them up by their ears

Sometimes they end up in tears

When I’m winding cl...

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Elbow deep in murky water

Dried egg stuck to his chin

Trevor the triffic kitchen porter

Plunges more plates with a grin

His daylight hours spent below ground

In the glare of fluorescent strips

He’s worth more at his age than minimum wage

He doesn’t even get tips

He scrapes leftovers from fine bone china

Of sturgeon and chateaubriand

Scours thermidore he c...

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I’m gonna make myself a lazy matrix

And catch myself some flies

Hang upside down from rhubarb leaves

And watch the world go by

I’m gonna weave myself a silky hammock

Hang loose all afternoon

Luxuriate in motionless ness

Feel the whole world swoon

I wanna gorge myself on giant greenfly

Drink sticky sweet green tea

Anaesthetise an aphid

It sounds quite nice to me

I’ll spin...

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I was prospecting on the beach

Just hanging out and doing my thing

You look a nerd with a metal detector

So I've a magnet on a string

The sun was high and the waves were breaking

Sighing as they relaxed on the sand

And I felt real good, and lucky

With my lode-stone swinging in my hand

I'd found a couple of cans

And a handful of discoloured money

But then I felt the pull much stronger

I ...

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It is the spice of life
The tingle on your tongue
The flavour that excites
And rights culinary wrongs
So if your chilli isn't red hot
And your goulash is ghastly
If your vegetable samosas

Taste like persil pasties
Then you might find it expedient
To use a magic ingredient

It put hairs on my chest

And a jaunt in my walk

Made my taste buds bloom

Put a feast on my fork

So enhance your existence

Get so...

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