The mayor of Bayswater
Has pushed me in the water
And in Billericay lido
I'm up to my knees.

He threw me in after
I said he looked dafter;
My insult and laughter
Were meant to displease.
The mayor of Bayswater
Has pushed me in the water
And in Billericay lido
I'm up to my knees.

I laughed at him bringing
His mayoral bling-bling
But now I am wringing
And starting to freeze:
The ...

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If tealice got into the tea,
and evidence was missed,
the problems for the crop would be
too numerous to list;
the only ray of hope, you see,
is that they don't exist.

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I don't intend to die, for I have much to finish first.
But if you plan my funeral, if worst should come to worst,
I want some decent hymns, some "Love Divine"s, and "Guide me, O"s.
Say masses for my soul (for I shall need them, heaven knows),
And ring a muffled quarter-peal, and preach a sermon next
(“Behold, that dreamer cometh” should be given as the text),
Then draw a splendid h...

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This assassination plan
In nineteen sixty three
(Which was soon for Lyndon B.)
Involved a knoll and a rifleman
Who was (or was not) named Lee.

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I thought I saw an execution there.
The fascinated public gathered round.
The cheerful hangmen stripped the victim bare
and built their gibbet high above the ground.
The rope was taut. My wildness filled with fear.
I saw him fall. I heard his final cry.
Yet when the hangmen left I ventured near
to find my fault: I'd never seen him die.
   In fact, I think he'd died some years ag...

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My performance of "Thomas", "Fishmonger", "The Creation of Beans", and "Puppy Dreams" at Pop Up Poetry in March. Thanks to Janice Windle for making the video!

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AND NAKED
somewhat after sonnet XXVII "Desnuda" by Pablo Neruda

And, naked, you are simple as a hand,
and smooth, and round as earth, and clear as glass;
your moonlit lines, your apple-laden land,
as naked as the naked, dancing grass.
And, naked, you are Cuba's darkest night,
whose starlight vines my tracing fingers hold.
And, naked, you are neverending light,
a summer-fill...

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You know, I was thinking about Nottingham. And who are the two most famous sons of Nottingham? Robin Hood, and... Jesse Boot.

Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot! Riding through the hills!
Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot! Mixing stomach pills!
Take one a day! Safe to dilute!
Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot!

Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot! For your upset tum!
Jesse Boot! Jesse Boot! Here's magnesium!
T...

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Do tell me where I am, he said;
the men wear bras upon their head.
I said, I'm sure of where you are:
the Scottish town of Head-in-Bra.

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They never told about the cold, cold morn,
the painful blue and cheery winter sky;
the friendly warm embrace of toothy yawn,
the reeking of its breath; its marble eye;
the dragon gets a mention in her tale
but just that Margaret entered its insides:
another hero trapped inside the scales,
but nothing of the dragon's life, besides.
   They say the beast was Satan in a glamour,
...

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Early each day to the steps of St Paul's
A bird-woman comes, about six.
Since the start of the time when she set up her stalls
The pigeons have borne many chicks.
"Come feed the little birds! Let them lay eggs!
Feed them, and show that you cared!"
But somehow the food supply's growing as x
While the populace grows as x squared.

Deep inside the cathedral, the priest Thomas Mal...

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I'd be glad if I was made the deputy poet laureate,
or vice-verser.

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