I would still fancy you if you were only 3 ft tall

Even if your head was the size of a tennis ball

If you were paralysed from the hairline down

I’d still give you a call.  

Your charisma melts away my guard

My priority is not just to make you hard

I want to embrace balls lovingly

Like Frankie Lampard.

If you were Priminister you’d still stop to check road kill

...

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He thinks she’s great but she’s a cheap shot slag

Leaves my flat smelling like a tranny’s handbag

Since upgrading to a D cup she’s far from shy

Put your silicone away Love, you’ll have out my eye

This image of his perception is a total farse

She’s even rougher than SuBo’s arse

I want to be wing girl and set him up with a beauty

I miss us high fiving when he scores wi...

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What world do you live in where men don’t have minds?

You are blind to the fact you had a gem,

A rare find

I could slap him for being so damn kind

Coz I would have battered you down with harsh words

Shoved your pretty face in a bag of dog turds

After filling your sockets with seeds and have you balls pecked out by birds.

It’s not that you’re a slut

We’ve all played that game

A happ...

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First you have milk, then curds and whey

Leave a while longer…..then cheese; Hurray!

The one sure thing to make me elated

Be it sliced, cubed, crumbled or grated

Yes, when it comes to cheese I get very excited

Like when Gary Hooper scores for Scunthorpe United

I’m going to have cheese cake on my wedding day

But best of all is when the photographer will say:

‘Everyone say cheese’ and ...

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MUSE

Co- written with Mike Anthony. (Not about each other. Mike is keen that the man in the photo is credited for the loinal yearning, execution and emotional seepage during his act of genital frotage, that fuelled his input to the poem. I however would like to thank childhood rejection from 'soul singer' Montel Jordan in Harpurhey market, for wrecking my head and making me hear, think, talk and ...

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Punanis, Peckers and Poems

Written with Mike Anthony

There's no uncomfortable silence

They never think ‘shut up’
They never get moist when they talk smut

She can fart and burp

And he's never disturbed

And she doesn't frown at his vulgar words

Because hers are generally worse.
No subject taboo

Despite her attempts

Describing in detail

Her diarrhoea attack

He gets her back

By r...

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I want one on my face

And one down south

A dog on my back

And a hamster in my mouth

Put me on your lap

And talk filth in my ear

Whilst you cheese grate my forehead

And ram a vase up my rear

Take a soldering iron to my nipples

Sandpaper my vag

Throw me onto the end of an opened badge

I want to feel pain

There’s no time for sorrow

Fuck m...

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Back Fat

I’ve got rolls over my bra but he doesn’t care

He’s not one to talk – he has loads of back hair

Either way you shouldn’t be able to grab a person’s back

I loose some weight then he’ll back, sack and crack

I leave the toilet seat down but he does not fret

He just pisses on the ring and leaves it wet

Either way we argue over the state of the bowel

If I leave the seat up then h...

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Lamb dressed as mutton

Turns up in heels

Purely there to fuck the Wheels

Wet at the fame, she’s on a cock hunt

I call her Thrush coz she’s an irritating Cunt

He could spit in her face, she’s still putty in his hand

Refers to him by the name of his band

No shame when she meets another bed notch

Wants to compare notes about his crotch

Sad little groupie pretends to be thick

Won’t keep it ...

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 I've never seen the lady who I'm guessing still provides the microwaved meals but I can only imagine the photo is an accurate likeness.

Bliss

When I fart

Most guys think it’s a disgrace

But you thought it was funny when I shoved them in your face

You’d grade them on a scale of 1-10

And I’d argue that I deserved more

Then you’d blast one back in my direction

Trying to better my sc...

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In a slight veer away from the feel of 'Bob's your uncle...and your lover', here's my attempt at some serious poetry.....

ROSE CHEEKS

Wake up in the morning with Rose cheeks

Don’t want to let go, he looks so sweet

Temptation resisted cause I don’t want to lose

Could have been different if it weren’t for the booze

Cold-fronted, dismissive, I brush him aside

Mixed messages hiding wha...

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I paid 50 quid for an escort

It was 45 minutes of fun

But I was left feeling gutted and a bit of a mug

When it broke down on the bloody M1

I’m out of credit and it’s pissing it down

When a voice yells ‘It’s alright, don’t panic’

I turn round, oh my god, he is beautiful

And thank god – the guy’s a mechanic!

You glanced at my airbags

And lended me your jumper

I could read your mind so cle...

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I shall commence my blog with a taster from my play Below The Belt (out of the kindness of my heart rather than a cheap plug in desperation for a sell out you understand). Here is a monologue I have called ‘Bob’s your uncle…..and your lover’ – I hope you enjoy it….

NOEL

I haven’t told my Mum

That I’ve got a new lover

Not sure she’d be that impressed

Considering he’s her brother

She wasn’t...

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