It snapped my flagpole like a twig
Our John told the news
And a tree fell on the conservatory
Spoiling all our views

A whirlwind, literally, Kerry said
We couldn’t open our front door
The lampposts were all swaying
I’d never seen that before

A tree came right through Maisie’s roof
Pulled down the bathroom ceiling
The Liberal Democrats demand
The PM calls a COBRA meeting

Chief Sup...

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The leaves fall in his presence
The ground hardens to ice
Shortened are the days
As long become the nights

Until the Oak King rises
When the wheel turns again
And the song of the robin
Is heard over the wren

A time to feast, to come together
To let the flames burn bright
A time to understand
Without the darkness, there’s no light

Since it turns, so he returns
When the oak leaves...

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Write poetry
The right poetry
You might argue
That you
Wright poetry
Or rite poetry
For the church or the crown
Or right poetry
That you found upside down
But don’t write
Alright poetry
Write poetry
That’s right

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In the Evangelical Christmas Church
Baby Jesus lies in the rubble
In the square, fareless taxi drivers
Form a miserable huddle
In the Church of the Nativity
The grotto is eerily quiet
In Giacaman’s Christmas shop
There’s stock but no one to buy it
In Manger Square, no Christmas tree
As Gaza is brutally trampled
In Bethlehem, in the West Bank
Christmas has been cancelled

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There’s a girl on a tinsel-clad donkey
Leading the Christmas Crusade
She sits on a Santa Claus blanket
The donkey looks mighty dismayed

Behind, a man rides a camel
Which really ain’t pleased to be here
Three more dressed like comedy Arabs
They seem full of seasonal cheer

A woman in a tinsel halo
Is she Gabriel in her white sheet?
One of the comedy Arabs
Has posh running shoes on his...

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The dead can’t hear your apologies
The dead can’t see your sly smile
The dead can’t hear you blaming them
Like some oversized child on trail
The dead can’t see the messages
You accidentally lost
The dead can’t ask you questions
But the dead know just the cost
Of your lackadaisical attitude
Your laissez-faire approach
The meetings you weren’t bothered by
The rules with which you did not ...

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Napoleon wanted to buy them
And if it wasn’t for Elgin’s divorce
The Government might not have acquired them
At half the price, of course.
He told them that he had a firman
Although its veracity’s in doubt,
He said I’m telling you that the Sultan
Said I could take all the marbles out.
He was going to keep them in private
If it wasn’t for his divorce
Byron thought he was a pirate
And the...

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When the shelling stopped
They came for us
Come out with your hands up
A thousand thoughts a second
Tell them you're a farmer
The prisoners on farms
Seemed to be looked after
If they worked

They took us from Camp Beverlo
To Edingen, Zedelgem
Ostend to Tilbury
Waterloo
The transit camp at Kempton Park

Searches and interrogations
Digging ditches for new homes
Then we built the roa...

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Banning tents

Grabbing arses

The fancies

Of the ruling classes

Who laugh

At Gaza’s epitaph

While the NF march

Past the Cenotaph

Show some respect

Dissent’s forbidden

Welcome

To Put Up Shut Up Britain

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The years in prison were not kind to Goliath

He grew smaller and weaker while David grew strong

His castles kicked over; his crop destroyed before him

It weighed heavy on Goliath how it had all gone so wrong

So, he stood and he shouted at the ranks of Israel

Spoke of the river and the sea, words laden with dread

David called for his sling and selected five stones

He’d set...

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They rhymed them right
They rhymed them wrong
They rhymed in poetry and song
And when they saw things were not fair
They’d rhyme and oft times even swear

They rhymed them left
They rhymed them right
They rhymed them up
They rhymed them down
They rhymed by day
They rhymed by night
They rhymed the flat cap and the crown

Yes, rhymed of princes
Rhymed of kings
And rhymed of more impo...

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In the kingdom of the blind
A one-eyed man is king
He wears a tricorn hat
And his right arm’s just a sling
They’ll pickle him in brandy
When his last race is run
And he’s shagging Lady Hamilton
In a pub they call The Gun

His pals in the West Indies
Are keen on keeping slaves
That damnable Wilberforce
Our one-eyed hero raves
I’ll fight him with both arm and tongue
The lifestyle he be...

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There’s politics for people who do politics
And politics for people who don’t do politics,
And the politics for people who don’t do politics
Hides behind the politics for people who do politics
Who say “You all need to understand the politics”
To people who say “It’s all the same, the politics”
While the politics is laughing in their face,
And ripping off their money to give it to their mat...

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Refugees on barges
Jeering little Farages
When Britannia ruled the waves
James Bibby was transporting slaves
Meanwhile humanitarians
Are Nick Ferrari’s enemy

Refugees on prison ships
Suella’s bag of cruel tricks
Singing Rule Britannia
Let’s make you all unhappier
Somewhere there’s a statue
That needs chucking in the sea

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They all sent flowers

And the flowers all died

And I understood flowers

For the very first time

A gift of something dying

Gently saying this is normal

We’re all beautiful but fleeting

And this is how it goes

They all sent roses

And the roses all died

Their petals dropping quietly

One at a time

We watched the petals falling

Gently saying this is normal

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They said when I was younger

Automation would be the thing

The robots would do the heavy lifting

While we could play and sing

But now I’m older and the world is greyer

I dunno who’s at the controls

‘Cause the robots are writing poetry

And I’m still digging holes

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Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep food on our plate
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans*
And golden carriages of state

Kings and queens are all, it seems
We need to keep us warm and fed
Kings and queens and Heinz Baked Beans
And Tory Warburtons sliced bread**

So, boo to cost of living crisis
Boo to rising staple prices
Hurrah for Charlie and Camilla
Beans on toas...

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Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
If you support the celebration
Then you can make a small donation

Crowdfund the coronation
But make it so that each donation
Ticks a box to just make sure
You’d rather not give to the poor

Crowdfund the coronation
Don’t pay for it from our taxation
Of which we’re told there’s such a dearth
We can’t pay nurses what they’re w...

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Willy’s at the foodbank
Polishing the brand
Stepping from the Range Rover
With nothing in his hand
Kate is in a pink coat
Willy’s jumper’s green
They’ve brought a photographer
They’re here to be seen

Willy’s at the foodbank
Chatting to the staff
Kate is sorting out the tins
They’re both having a laugh
Like this is all so normal
This whip round for the poor
With his green-jumpered p...

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