THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO
(History Made Simple. A masterpiece of mine included in the anthology "Still Life with Wine and Cheese", celebrating all that's best about France. A slim volume!)
There stood mud ‘n’ puddles where once there’d stood flowers
It bucketed stair rods for ‘ours ‘n’ ‘ours
It tested us patience; it tested us powers
To trudge to the port-a-loo
At the Battle o’ Waterloo.
We’d dug in behind a big ‘ill in a trench
Freezin’ ‘n’ moanin’, un’appy ‘n’ drenched;
Our ‘istorical enemy faced us – the French!
Just like at that Agincourt
It ended a similar score!
Their battlefield leader were sat on ‘is pony
Surrounded by gen’rals ‘n’ similar cronies
I’m talking none other than Emperor Boney
Wearin’ ‘is bicorn bonnet
‘N’ feelin’ about for ‘is wallet.
Now Owd Arthur Wellesley commanded our men
He’d led us to victory again ‘n’ again
The rain wa’ no bother; ‘e joked now ‘n’ then,
“Me? I don’t give two hoots.
I’m wearin’ mi Wellington boots.”
Now, Emperor Boney wa’ known to be good
‘E’d won many battles ‘n’ spilt English blood
But ‘e showed ‘issen an owd stick-in-the-mud
The dour dullard wa’ dozey,
An’ outmanoeuvred by Nosey.
To break from the deadlock ‘e played ‘is last card
Boney threw in ‘is Imperial Guard
Wellington said wi’ complete disregard
“Fetch me the puddin’ trollies.
And gi’e ‘em a couple o’ volleys”.
The Imperial Guard recognised it wa’ beat
For the first time ever they beat their retreat
They’d seen what us Englishmen eat for a sweet
Said Pierre “Vous prenez your pick!
Mais moi? C’n’est pas Spotted Dick!”
So Wellington took all the great accolades
(Some Germans fought wi’ us that day, I’m afraid)
The mud was decisive like thick marmalade
Just like at Glastonbury too
At the Battle o’ Waterloo.
John Coopey
Tue 7th Jul 2020 08:13
Glad to fill in the gap, Kev. Our Gert did do history at skul but nodded off when the Romans invaded Britain and didn’t wake up till the Second World War.