Llanbwychllyn Lake
The glossy surface is framed by yellow
and white water-lilies; above in the heather
wild horses gather to flash tails at flies
in the withering heat. A bird of prey circles,
and swooping, awakens maternal concern
for the children below. Sun-splashed
nakedness shakes the composure
of cormorants and mute swans. Deep
in the night the call of the screech owl,
stars as large as her eyes.
"This is what life could be like" she whispered.....
".....without you." I manfully ended her sentence.
Cynthia Buell Thomas
Sun 25th Jul 2010 19:46
I agree with everyone about your descriptive skill. I like your works. In this poem, I do think you could lose unnecessary words that stall the immediacy of your images. A passive verb is not usually a very strong beginning; 'in the' need not be repeated; 'above' is understood, unless you mean 'mountain sides' which I don't think comes through. Sometimes special words that you really like just need to be repositioned, not jettisoned. I guess, Ray, I think it needs skillful tightening. How did we get from 'sun-splashed nakedness' to 'deep in the night' so fast? Just a question; I may have missed a clear point.