Kier

 

I bumped into a bloke in the Gents the other day'

Looked just like Kier Starmer,

If it's not him, I thought, I'll eat my cap.

 

I wanted him to hear

What life is like for us, the hoi polloi,

 

I said “Hey’up Kier,

Can I call you Kier?

It is you isn't it Kier?

I've seen you on the telly!”

 

But answer came there none. Silence.

I was pretty sure it was him

 

He didn't blink, say yes or no,

So, I thought, bugger it, give it a go.

 

I said

“Kier

There's those that say you're just a muggle

No idea of how we struggle

The country’s in an awful state.

I doubt that you can contemplate

The mess that me and mine are in.

And don’t give me that witless grin.

 

Rashi's dropped us in the shit

Time we saw some proper grit.

Take your time, take sage advice,

For empty words will not suffice.

This world, for most, is pretty tough.

The voters, Kier, have had enough.

There’s those who’d gladly stoke unrest

Critics many wish suppressed

Opposition left and right,

Extremists who would expedite

A breakdown of the world we know,

Disruptors of the status quo.

There’s anarchists who’d shout and bawl

Twas they who’d brought about the fall.

Who’d gladly see your ship adrift,

To bring about a power shift.

And of course it’s not just those

Whose politics you may oppose,

There’s many who would undermine

Our social fabric given time.

 

The time has come to grow a pair

And drop your caring doctrinaire,

It's not the time for ‘compromise’

A trait you now must exorcize.”

 

Kier, at first, seemed in a trance.

I groaned, “That’s it, I’ve had my chance,

Perhaps he doesn’t want to know”

But then I thought, that can’t be so.

 

I’d thought that he’d been unaware

That I was even standing there.

But Kier said “sir, your name I pray,

And though we’ve only met today

I’ll give your words consideration

Before I loose them on the nation

 

“Kier” I said “I seek not fame

And so for now, withhold my name,

But tell me, why that vacant stare?

What was it Kier that put it there?”

 

“My mind” said he, “was occupied

On getting to the lav inside.

 

A public toilet’s not the place,

For us to have a face-to-face.

I’ll close the door if that’s ok,

You’ve made your point, now fade away.

As mortal or as premiere

One needs to park ones derrière

I need some time to be alone,

To sit upon my china throne”

 

Kier seemed to think my outburst done.

He little knew, I’d just begun.

 

I said “Kier – Kier,

You have to show some resolution.

There’s an obvious solution,

 

Come the time you take command

Like General Custer, make a stand.

You mustn’t turn the other cheek

There’s nothing gained by being weak

For now’s the time to end debate,

We will, in time, appreciate

You had to crack the whip and fight

To rid us of this azure blight.

I've felt let down, and that is why

You have to choose Kier - do or die.

There's not a doubt what I’d suggest

To aid us in this righteous quest,

It’s radical I can’t deny,

String the bastards up, say I”

 

Kier asked me from within his stall,

“Would this apply to one and all?

Have you clearly thought this through?

What would you have my comrades do

with …

Flashers; exhibitionists;

Zealous prohibionists;

Martyrs preaching suicide;

Addicts (never satisfied);

Tax avoiders; merchant bankers;

Those who strike, the idle wankers;

Greens; environmentalists;

Stay-a-beds and arsonists;

Murderers and teenage muggers;

Migrants, and those work-shy buggers

At Uni. doing Media Studies;

Corbin and his Commie buddies?”

 

I answered, clearly, in reply

“String the bastards up, say I”

 

Kier, ensconced on porcelain,

Said “Well, to me that’s inhumane,

Could I try the birch or cane

For …

Peeping toms and kerb-side crawlers;

Pissed-up teeny weekend brawlers;

Militants and begging chuggers;

People who call rugby ‘rugger’;

Huntsmen with their ‘tally-hos’;

Poets spouting prissy prose;

Those involved in prostitution;

Those promoting revolution;

Meter maids and ticket touts;

Rioters and litter louts;

Lawyers chasing compensation;

Advocates of confrontation.

Boris Johnson, Rees-Mogg, Gove,

Vultures seeking treasure trove?”

 

And wouldn’t it be such a hoot

To make arrests, then prosecute …

Him who tells us ‘Go Compare’;

Cyclists sporting Lycraware;

Nigel and his sympathisers;

Loan-sharks billed as Debt Advisers;

Those who send out e-mail spam;

Karaoke fans of Wham;

Those who let their dogs run free

Fouling pavements nearby me;

Ant & Dec, and Andrew Marr,

Maybe that’s a step too far?

Those who forecast long-range weather;

Fetishists in chamois leather;

Journalists whose news is fake;

Politicians on the make”

 

“Kier,” I said,

“You’re such a wit, a proper card

But hit em quickly, hit em hard.”

 

With this, his toilet crisis passed,

Pin-stripes dangling at half-mast,

Fumbling with his belt and braces,

As one might in confined spaces,

There it was, though slightly rushed,

Kier quickly checked the pot, then flushed.

And so it was he left the loo,

Conceding change was overdue,

 

I asked

“Will this go down in Hansard Kier?

White papers are the way I hear?”

 

Questions asked as Kier appeared,

Misheard perhaps as flush-end neared.

For Kier said

“You're right my bum's red-raw

From paper I've not used before.”

Toilet humour? Just a slip?

So I said “Kier what a quip

You are perhaps a tad confused

I spoke not of the Izal used.”

 

“I hope” I said “our tête-à-tête

Will rid us of those oiks we hate,

If you should choose to execute

Our scheme to crush the dissolute.”

 

Before he left the Gents behind

Kier told me that he felt inclined

To tell the world of my tirade

And, yes, the impact it had made.

 

“You are, my friend, an inspiration,

bent on social reformation.”

“Now” said he “I understand.”

Then smiled and came to shake my hand.

But he’d not washed and nor had I,

And so we simply waved goodbye.

 

So, as I felt our thoughts aligned,

That Kier and I were of one mind,

I wished my new friend “bon accord”

Convinced he'd take my cause on-board

 

Though some of you will think I jest,

Relating what I’ve here expressed;

Of how I once advised Kier Starmer

Through this, my lavatory drama,

He and I both know the truth

Of what was said whilst in that booth.

So let me make it crystal clear

That what is documented here

Describes what on that day occurred,

Blow by blow, and word for word.

 

Will you my friends heed this, my call?

Will Kier do anything at all?

Someone, somewhere has to act

To keep our way of life intact?

 

But now my story, here, must pause

Apparently there's laws and laws

 

If Kier appears to vacillate

I’ll caution him, I’ll tell it straight,

That I will have to take control

Of who should see the scaffold pole,

And nobody should feel secure,

Educated, rich or poor.

 

Eventually, of course, I’d hope

There’ll be no need to use the rope

And peace will reign throughout the land.

I have my doubts, you’ll understand.

So as it stands there’s naught to do

But bid you all a fond adieu

And hold the rope in readiness

Should you, or anyone, transgress.