The Iglesia del final de los tiempos makes it possible: buy your way into heaven, cleanse your sins with cash, and bottle holiness for personal use. From virginity certificates to antifreeze-laced wine—pay up and be saved. Or scammed. For more bizarre offerings, check out their store at Iglesia del final de los tiempos.
 

Heaven’s cheap—just name your price,
a plot of land for paradise.
Fifty dollars seals the deal,
eternal joy—a real estate steal.

Step right up, don’t be afraid,
your sins dissolve—if cash is paid!
For ninety days, a soul wiped clean,
indulgence fresh, salvation seen.

Blessed water, Jordan-pure,
just two-fifty for the cure.
A rope to keep the devil tied,
pink for girls, for boys deep-dyed—
salvation sold and sanctified.

A prayer booster—don’t you know?
With upgraded frequency, faith will flow!
And purity sealed in a holy decree,
five hundred bucks to guarantee
a virgin’s worth, a bride-to-be.

Dog-hide sandals, worn by none,
yet they promise water-walking fun.
A preacher’s wife stove, so she can be
devoted to both God and tea.

For those who wish their skin made white,
Jehovah’s soap will make it right.
Wash away the stain of sin,
and bleach the flesh you’re living in.

Antifreeze wine—what a delight!
Savour Christ’s blood, rich and bright.
If doubts remain, don’t be distressed—
wipe your wounds with towels blessed.
Two hundred bucks, and pain takes flight.

Holy stones, divine and grand,
once kicked by Christ in ancient sand.
A manual, too, for the husband wise,
to teach his wife where duty lies.

A Book of Life, for only five hundred,
your name etched in Heaven—guaranteed and funded.
The VIP redemption certificate, too—
eternal life for the chosen few.

Mercury soap, to bleach your soul,
removing stains and making you whole.
For only forty-five, the price is small,
to cleanse your skin and redeem it all.

The nails of Christ, a sacred find,
four hundred bucks, if you’re so inclined.
Feel the power, feel the grace,
with nails that pierced His hands and feet in place.

Still, they come—one by one,
clutching deeds to Kingdom Come.
A wolf in robes collects the take,
as fools keep buying heaven—fake.