Fluttering from books
like pressed paper aeroplanes
last vestiges of love
Heat, warmth, promise
dried to seed and sown in barren land
threaded to words that can’t be worn
the touch, the taste, the look
this moment in time now gone
ink etched to history
to keepsake kept
for rainy days
when memory is all.
Ha ha - we'll fight them on the beaches... won't we Francine!
Julian - thanks for your contribution - much appreciated. You are technically right about all moments being in time. I just think that the phrase visually re-inforces the suspension of the moment - for me at least. The poem would flow just as well without it though so it's a matter of preference I suppose.
Ray - pressed (flattened) paper aeroplanes in a book when opened would pop up and flutter a bit (in the wind)... just use your imagination ; )
I love the warmth of the contributions, as much as that expressed in the poem; a reflected warmth, I reckon.
I too, like to try removing what seem extraneous words. Aren't all moments "in time"?
Hot,hot, hot - the way I like my men - burning the skin in fact!
But was it a hot shower - or a warm one? ;)
At the risk of being the biggest commenter on my own stuff LOL - I just wanted to say one last thing. Am going to leave the heat/warmth as is. Mulled it over in the shower and realised exactly what I was trying to say. Heat for me equates to passion, warmth to tenderness. You need both for a healthy relationship - though many have a problem with one or the other. All new relationships have promise though - that's what keeps us going!
Thank you everyone who commented. x
Ooo - I like your thoughts on 'worn' Ann - that works just as well. That's what I love about language - its nuances. That's what I love about this site - communing with people who share the same passion for language. It isn't about perfection for me - it's the quest for it maybe - and the exploration. Gosh - I could start writing another poem!
I think I'll hand the warmth/heat to the Miller/Buell-Thomas corner - I should probably have looked for a different word. Can't think of one off hand - hope would be too close to promise - I'll chew it over.
Like it Isobel. I was thinking of "worn" as in worn threadbare sort of thing. It's nice to read your own thoughts on your poem too. And in one way the poem reads like ancient love letter from say a WWI soldier, and yet also hints at an up to date parallel, perhaps in your own life.x
Last 4 lines are really nice, a bit prayer-like, I thought. Would something that's been pressed flutter? I tried it on a shirt and the answer was no.I'd still agree with Cynthia about heat and warmth.
Thanks for your comments folks - I really do appreciate them and am always up for a bit of crit. I often want to offer it myself and hedge around wondering whether the poet is robust enough to take it...
When I started writing the poem I had pressed flowers in my head but changed it to paper planes - I suppose they are pressed initially before we open them up LOL but I take your point Cynthia. I did consider taking the 'aero' out to make the alliteration even more pronounced but didn't do it in the end - thank Goodness!
I did think about heat and warmth being near synonymous as well - but as Francine says - it reflects degree - also the importance to me of the temperature within a relationship ;)
Now this will make you laugh - the 'threaded to words that can't be worn' - in my minds eye I was remembering the dried melon seeds that we used to make necklaces out of as children - except in my poem these seeds are words that can't be used again - sad isn't it?
I'm glad you questioned it all Cynthia - I like to explain myself - and I like others to understand the way my mind works - most of the time. xx
I would rarely disagree with Cynthia, but I must say...
'pressed' as in flattened, and 'Heat' and 'warmth' are varying degrees - as in passion and friendliness... and 'threaded to' goes with sown - beautifully.
I like this, Isobel, the idea and the diction. But here goes: IMO, I would take out what I consider to be unnecessary words, making the poem even more forceful. eg. 'paper aeroplanes' are automatically 'pressed', so the idea is inherent and doesn't need the triple 'p' alliteration. Leaving it out actually makes the 'paper aeroplanes' more effective, not less. 'Heat' and 'warmth' are repetitious; 'threaded to' doesn't really add anything and detracts from 'words that can't be worn' which is gorgeous. The concluding five lines are superb. I must be feeling my cheerios...I'm done.
I really liked this powerfully evocative poem.
A lovely poem, with a sense of longing...
My favourite lines:
'Heat, warmth, promise
dried to seed and sown in barren land
threaded to words that can’t be worn'
Liked this very much, Isobel. Those opening two lines sounds like messages written on flimsy forces notepaper during the war. I've certainly found correspondence like that recently that has moved me to tears, partly because it was written by a relative - a grandmother - that I never knew
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Fkx
Wed 22nd Jun 2011 14:03
This is packed quite tightly into a very small package... my type of poetry. There is no breathe allowed between movements and images... thus allowing for a sweep of powerful poetic assertions then allowing the rain to drift the memory into times gone now only misty recollections. Superb share.